Last night my son came into my room at 2:00am, crying because he had what he described as “a horrible headache.” During any other time in his life, I would have calmly given him a hug and some Children’s Advil and sent him back to bed. Last night I had a different reaction. Instead of feeling compassion, I felt fear. Should I hug him? Why was he crying from a headache? Were headaches a sign of the virus? Did he have it? Would I get it? Then what? My mind was speeding off on the negative thought train. This is what the mind does, and during uncertain and unsettling times like this pandemic, it takes more effort than usual to keep it in check.
Increased anxiety during this time is to be expected.
We are all navigating an unknown enemy which has the potential to make us and those we love sick. Schools have been closed. Many people cannot go to work. We are being asked to socially distance ourselves, to wipe down surfaces that could hold the virus, wash our hands as often as possible, avoid touching our faces, and with the exception of essential outings, stay home. Yes, anxiety is, for most of us, going to be a part of this experience. However, there are things we can practice to avoid letting our anxiety take over our lives completely, robbing us of the joy, spontaneity and openness that is available in the present moment.
4 ways we can manage our anxiety:
- Acknowledge it, accept it, and be kind to it
- Calm it
- Divert attention from it
- Get support and stay connected
Imagine your anxiety is a 2-year old that wants your attention, and is tugging at your sleeve while you busily go about the tasks of your life (cooking, cleaning, reading the news, working, etc…) Now imagine you ignore the 2-year old, because what you’re doing is more important. “Go play,” you tell the 2-year old. What does the 2-year old do? It tugs harder. It gets louder. Maybe, it gives you a solid kick in the shin. Ignoring the 2-year old does not work, just like ignoring (or trying to ignore) our anxiety does not work. Let’s look at applying each of the four strategies.
Acknowledge it, accept it, and be kind to it. Kneel down and get on the 2-year old’s level. I see you want my attention. I hear you. What is it you need from me? I’m listening. It makes sense that you are feeling upset. Try saying things like this to yourself when you feel your anxiety rising. Give yourself as much kindness as you would a friend who was struggling with anxiety. You can also say things like this to your actual children.
Calm it. Encourage the 2 year old to breathe. Parasympathetic breathing is a great tool for kids of all ages. Focus on extending your exhale as much as you comfortably can, making it longer than your inhale. If your mind needs something to do, it can count as you breathe in (1-2-3) and count as you breath out (1-2-3-4-5). Do this until you notice your anxiety calming down.
Divert it. Sometimes the 2-year old just needs something else to focus on. What has your attention when you are anxious? Are you reading the news? On social media? Thinking about empty grocery store shelves? Examining the ever growing pile of dishes in the sink? Notice what is increasing your anxiety, and then make a conscious choice to put your attention somewhere else. Listen to music. Watch your bird feeder. Read a book. Call a friend. Drink a cup of tea. Play with your child(ren). Pet your dog or cat. Go for a walk. Give your full attention to whatever you choose. When your mind wanders to the negative thought train, bring it back to whatever you are doing.
Get Support and stay connected. Brene Brown, a researcher-storyteller, has spent much of her career collecting “data with a soul.” Her research has led her to the conclusion that connection is why we are here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. The biggest obstacle to connection? Shame. Many people struggling with anxiety feel ashamed. This often comes from family of origin and societal messaging that sounds like, “Get over it.” “Pull yourself together.” “You don’t have it that bad, what’s your problem?” This is why it is imperative that we stay connected during this time of social distancing, and not let shame run the show. Reach out to people when you are struggling and share your experiences. Listen to their experiences with compassion. Everyone is being impacted right now and has something to say about that. We are all in this together, and it’s together that we’ll get through it.