Leave My Key Under My Doormat
A friend of mine recently ended a rocky 9 month relationship. There had been lots of unanswered phone calls, plans canceled at the last minute, and effort on my friend’s part to make it work. When he decided to go out of town over her birthday instead of spending the day with her like they’d planned, it was the last straw. She called him and said, “Why don’t you just leave my key under my doormat, which is appropriate given that I’ve allowed myself to be one for so long!”
What is the Doormat Syndrome?
We all have been in a relationship where we struggled to find our voice. A relationship where no matter how much we wanted to speak our truth, for some reason it just would not come out, and instead stayed stuck in our throats, often suffocating us. These kinds of relationships often have one or more of the following characteristics:
* One person is the “victim,” (the person who cannot find his/her voice) the other person the “perpetrator” (the one who is perceived to be mistreating the other person)
* The victim is usually putting more energy into the relationship than the perpetrator
* There is the belief on the part of the victim that if he/she would “just get it right,” i.e. “not be too needy,” or “say the right things,” that the other person would change.
* There is a lot of blame assigned on both sides about why the relationship isn’t working
* Clear and direct communication is difficult and/or lacking
We Teach Others How to Treat Us in Relationship
As seductive as it can be to blame another person for our experience, we are responsible for our experience. If we don’t know how to set boundaries, how to be authentic, how to say no, how to value and honor ourselves, it is unlikely that our partner will do these things. We teach others how to treat us in relationship by modeling how we treat ourselves. If we let behavior slide that we really feel is disrespectful, we are in fact saying, “That disrespectful behavior is ok.” We have to be willing to take the risk to say how we really feel and to share our real experience if we want to engage in a healthy relationship.
5 Suggestions for How to Find Your Voice:
1. Be clear about what your needs are. Do you expect a call back within 24 hours of leaving a message? Is celebrating your birthday important or not?
2. Communicate with I statements. We’ve all heard this one before, but it can be difficult to remember in the heat of the moment. Start with “I need” or “I feel” and resist the urge to blame the other person.
3. Don’t wait for the perfect time to bring up a difficult conversation. If you do, it will never come. Let the other person know that you need to talk with him/her and schedule a time that works for both of you.
4. Set boundaries. Instead of making demands on another person’s behavior, focus on your behavior. An example might be, “If I haven’t heard from you by 2:00 on Sunday I am going to make other plans.” Then follow through on what you said you would do.
5. Turn toward, rather than away from, uncomfortable feelings. Being in relationship is bound to bring up feelings that most of us experience as uncomfortable such as fear, anger, sadness, and vulnerability. It is common to want to escape these feelings, however, learning to be comfortable with them is ultimately what will help create a change in behavior. For example, if you feel anxious when your partner doesn’t call, a way to not feel anxious might be for you to call him or her. However, this only perpetuates the other person not calling. If you can learn to feel your anxiety, you can have more options about your behavior.
I Can Find My Voice with My Partner, But Not My Child
The parent child relationship is a complex one. Children can trigger the parent’s inability to say no or set boundaries, which can lead to behavior problems of all kinds and stress in the relationship. If you are having trouble setting boundaries with your child, see if there is an emotion you want to avoid feeling when a situation arises that calls for you to set a boundary. What is it? Can you practice feeling that emotion instead of avoiding it, and set the boundary that needs to be set?
I Am Afraid I Will Lose My Relationship If I Find My Voice
This is the most common reason I hear from people about why they are afraid to speak up in relationship. The fear of being alone is so great that anything is better- even staying in a hurtful, dysfunctional relationship. Become aware of the price you are paying for staying in the relationship. What are you sacrificing? Your self respect? The possibility of being in a healthy relationship? Your happiness? When you find your answer, ask yourself, “Is it worth it?”
Looking Under the Doormat
My friend’s story provided a great metaphor- the key is under the doormat. Look underneath your behavior to see what you are avoiding by not showing up in relationship. Is it an uncomfortable feeling? The fear of being alone? The belief that you are not lovable and therefore the other person’s behavior is “your fault?” By exposing what it is you are afraid to experience, you will be taking the first step toward creating a healthy relationship and putting an end to the doormat syndrome.