A client of mine recently described his struggles with his wife. “I do victim math. I start adding it all up. I watched the baby so she could work. I did the laundry. I vacuumed. She didn’t say thank you or appreciate any of it! Eventually, I feel resentful. The clincher is she will criticize me for something and I just blow up! Then she’s hurt and angry with me! Victim math is really hurting my relationship.”
Not Being Authentic
This is a good description of what we all do from time to time. We think we are doing the other person a “favor” by not sharing the truth of our experience- the little ways we feel hurt and unappreciated, or what we are needing. We think that by keeping it all to ourselves the other person will somehow intuitively know our sacrifice and they will finally give us the love, appreciation, and attention we deserve because we have been so good. We will finally be rewarded for all our self-sacrifice! So why doesn’t this happen? Most likely because the other person is doing the same thing.
Cheri Huber’s Description
Cheri describes victim math in her own way in her book, There Is Nothing Wrong With You, and says the reason we do it is self-hate.
Self-Hate Accounting System:
“-I add up everything I do. I subtract everything everyone else doesn’t do.
-I add up everything everyone else gets. I subtract everything that I don’t get.
-I add up all the luck everybody else has. I subtract all the luck I don’t have.
-I add up all the advantages everybody else had. I subtract all the advantages I didn’t have.
You get the picture.
I am so far in the hole because all I do is good things and all I get is bad things. So…. how can I not feel myself to be a victim? And why should I not try to even the score? And, of course what we fail to see is that almost everyone sees themselves as victims and others as victimizers so people continue to victimize one another. Who of us will stop?”
What does self-hate have to do with it?
Everything. Some people don’t resonate with the phrase self-hate because it is so strong. In my experience, most of us are struggling with self-hate to some degree. It goes by other phrases such as:
I’m not ok
There’s something wrong with me
I’m not deserving of love, connection, happiness, etc.
It’s ok for people to walk all over me
If I take care of myself I’m selfish
I shouldn’t have needs
If I say what I feel or need I’ll be alone
I have to be perfect
I’m too fat, too short, too ugly, too sensitive, etc.
I’m not successful
Self-hate keeps us locked in to doing victim math. It keeps us from loving and nurturing ourselves so that we can genuinely do that for others. It keeps us stuck in victim-hood.
How Can I Stop Doing Victim Math?
To stop seeing ourselves as victims means we have to own up to our truth. We have to believe that our feelings, needs, and experiences are as valid and deserving of expression as anyone else’s, and are not to be ashamed of. It means that we have to express things that make us feel vulnerable- like what we are feeling and what we are needing- on a daily basis. A great resource for how to do this in a skillful way is Marshal Rosenberg’s book, Non-Violent Communication.
Stop Tip-Toeing Around
When I discussed putting an end to victim math with my client he said, “So basically, I’ve got to quit tip-toeing around and just be out with it!” Yea, pretty much! The more we can “just be out” with our experience the more we can relax into who we are. This is the foundation of confidence.