On July 20th, 2012, the unthinkable happened 30 miles from my office. James Holmes went into an Aurora movie theater and open-fired. Why does anyone go into a movie theater with a semi-automatic assault rifle to shoot and kill people? Insanity? Hopefully, because the alternative is too scary.
At first I just let it skim my being. “How terrible,” went the conversation, “What a tragedy.” Then the fact gathering stage: “Who sold him the guns?” “Why did he drop out of school?” “Did he have any friends?” Trying to make sense of it with the mind proved to be a futile task. I would have to dig deeper. So I carved out some time and sat down to read the stories of heroism, fortune, and devastation. I felt the pain of it all, and I sobbed. Being as this happened so near to my own community, it felt particularly close to home. And, it wasn’t me or my loved ones in that theater, so of course I can’t fully understand the depths of that terror and grief.
Then I tried to feel the pain of James Holmes. I imagined him in his orange jump suit with matching hair, sitting alone in a jail cell, living with his actions. I tried to connect with what could have possibly motivated him to do what he did, and the answer I got was: self-hate. This was something that linked us- a similarity, a common humanity. I felt my own self-hate as I inhaled, and then, I tried to feel compassion for myself, and James Holmes, as I exhaled.
What is Self-Hate?
Self hate is any part of ourselves that we cannot be present with or have compassion for. It is any emotional state that we cannot tolerate- so we have to blame others for it. It is any action we have taken that we cannot forgive ourselves for. It is the avoidance of our own pain. Does self-hate create insanity? I’d argue yes, to varying degrees. Most of us are dealing with what I’d call an average amount of self-hate. It’s manageable, and tends to show up as dysfunctional relationships, addictions, depression, anxiety, and a whole lot of other ways of suffering. When self-hate gets to be too much, and it can no longer be managed internally, it gets projected out on to others. Sometimes it looks like yelling, sometimes like hitting, and sometimes, in extreme cases, like killing.
Torture Him
A neighbor of mine recently said, “I hope they don’t give him the death penalty. That’s too easy.” “What do you think they should do with him?” I asked. “Torture him.” She replied. I was struck by her mindset. Would that help? Torturing him? Would it end the suffering of the victims? Of course not. It would only create more, adding to the collective suffering, creating more separation.
It Keeps Happening
I wish this kind of massacre was an isolated incident, but it’s not. Public shootings are becoming more and more frequent. The crazy thing is that since I first sat down to write this article, 4 more shootings have happened:
- Sikh Temple, Aug. 5th, 2012
- Empire State Building, Aug. 24th, 2012
- Baltimore County HS, Aug. 27th, 2012
- New Jersey Shopping Plaza, Aug. 30th, 2012
We Live In Communities
These shootings are a reflection of our society. A mirror being held up to say, “SOMETHING IS NOT WORKING.” We’ve become too isolated, too anxious, too busy, and too indifferent to the pain of others outside our immediate circle, and sometimes even in our immediate circle. We are losing our capacity for compassion, and losing sight of the fact that we live in communities, and that the way we participate in our communities (or don’t participate) matters.
Wendell Berry says it well: “A community is the mental and spiritual condition of knowing that the place is shared, and that the people who share the place define and limit the possibilities of each other’s lives. It is the knowledge that people have of each other, their concern for each other, their trust in each other, the freedom with which they come and go among themselves.”
We need to get our communities back, and it has to start with ourselves. How compassionate can we really be when we are stressed out, anxious, in a hurry, tired, and preoccupied? In order to have the ability to really hear the pain of others, we have to slow down and notice what’s going on in ourselves.
So What Can I Do?
- First and foremost, take care of yourself
- Examine your own self hate- when are you unable to be compassionate with yourself?
- If you see someone is upset, ask if they’d like to talk
- Volunteer
- Teach your children about compassion and model it
- Tutor a child who is behind in school
- Advocate for a person with a disability or from an ethnic background different from your own
- Take time to listen to the people you love without trying to problem solve
- Offer a homeless person a sandwich
- Do a random act of kindness for a stranger
We all have to be a part of putting an end to this violence, and our inner-state is the most powerful tool that we have.