Jill is driving to work, Starbucks in hand as she tries to gear up for her day. Her mind is spinning with negativity. She thinks, “I’m so stupid. I know I messed up that last job. Why hasn’t my boss said anything? What is your problem? Why can’t you just be shut up and be happy?” She pulls up to a stoplight and notices the bumper sticker on the car in front of her that reads, “Don’t believe everything you think.”
What is negative self-talk?
One thing that all people with low self-esteem have in common is their inner-critic works overtime. Do you hear a running commentary inside your head that is constantly telling you what you are doing wrong, how you don’t look ok, how what you said was stupid, etc…? This kind of persistent, negative self- talk is damaging to one’s sense of self. We would hesitate before saying many of things we say to ourselves to others, yet we don’t think twice about saying negative things to ourselves, and believing them.
Why we believe negative self-talk:
Negative self-talk becomes a habit, and what we hear over and over again seems true. This is how advertising works- if you hear over and over that John at John’s Car Dealership has the best deal in town, you might just find yourself on your way to John’s next time you need a car. Critical voices of parents, siblings, teachers, and/or bosses become infused with our own, until we can’t tell their voice from our own.
How the brain works:
Imagine the brain is like an open field of tall grass. Everyday you walk the same way across the field, eventually wearing a path through it. Now imagine that you walking across the field represents the negative thoughts crossing your brain. Repetitive negative thoughts wear a path in your brain. This path keeps getting used, and has a momentum that is difficult to stop.
Stop Believing Negative Self-Talk:
Becoming aware of what we actually say to ourselves is the first step toward reducing negative self-talk. If we want to feel good about who we are, we have to take the time to observe the content of our own minds. Once we realize that we can do this, we being to understand that we are not our thoughts, and although we may not have the power to stop negative thoughts from popping up, we do have a choice about whether or not we believe them.
Some ways to work with negative thoughts when they arise:
Recognize the voice for who it really is: “Thanks for your opinion Dad!”
Use humor: “Did you say something? Sorry, I missed it.”
Don’t let the voice overpower you: “You’re just a thought. You only have the meaning I give you.”
But what if…..
An objection I often hear when I suggest not believing negative self-talk is, “But I do believe it.” That may seem true, at first glance. What usually happens is that after some deeper exploration of the thoughts, people will admit that they are being really hard on themselves, and that most of their thoughts are not true.
Jill’s Story:
At first Jill was convinced she was stupid. “It’s absolutely true.” She told me.
“Explain to me how a stupid person works as a mechanical engineer, raises 3 children, and knows enough to come to therapy when she needs help.” I said. “Oh that….” Jill replied, “Well that’s not what I mean! I mean I say stupid things to people!”
“So, could we agree that sometimes you have trouble communicating clearly?” I asked.
“Well, yeah…”
“And isn’t that different than being stupid?”
After a few months of working with me, Jill was able to recall several instances of hearing her dad tell her she “was stupid” when she was growing up.
Don’t believe everything you think.
Thoughts are thoughts. They don’t deserve the absolute truth we assign them. In Jill’s case, reading that bumper sticker in the middle of her stream of negative self- talk is what brought her attention to it.
Once you are aware of negative self-talk, you can work with some strategies to minimize it’s effect such as recognizing whose voice it really is, humor, and not letting the thought overpower you.
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