 Recently I was talking to a friend who was telling me about her neighbor who had died in a violent way. As I listened, she went on to say that people had said things to her like, “She’s with God now,” or, “She’s one with The Universe again,” and changed the subject. Although these statements may have rang true for the speaker, they did little to offer support to my grieving friend. Rather, they served a particular function: to shut the conversation down. We live in a time with access to an abundance of spiritual teachings and practices. Books, videos, podcasts, spiritual communities, and online courses are readily available. This can be a positive thing, as people are looking to heal trauma, be more compassionate towards others, and unlearn harmful belief systems. However, like most things, this spiritual boom has a shadow side: spiritual bypass. When we spiritually bypass something, we are using an avoidance defense mechanism disguised as spiritual wisdom. My friend was on the receiving end of spiritual bypass, and it hurt.
Other examples of spiritual bypass:
The term spiritual bypass was coined by John Welwood, author of Journey of the Heart and Love and Awakening. He defined it as, “A widespread tendency to use spiritual ideas and and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks.”
Let’s look at an example of each. All situations are hypothetical and I’ve used the pronoun they to indicate inclusion of all relationships and genders.
Two people are in a relationship. One has learned from their parents that “anger is bad” and that it’s better to “be the bigger person” so they suppress it. When their partner asks if they are angry, they say “no,” convincingly. Secretly inside, however, they are angry and resentful. Embarrassed to admit this, they hold their anger in and find themselves depressed. 2. Psychological Wounds: An adult was raised by an overly critical parent. It is difficult for them to discern when criticism is constructive and when it is out of line because it triggers young wounds. Instead of talking to people about their feelings or taking responsibility for things they are being criticized for, they say things like, “I believe we’re all perfect as we are,” or, “I’ll pray about it.” 3: Unfinished Developmental Tasks: Erik Erikson defined several developmental stages with tasks to complete, the second being autonomy vs. shame and doubt. Someone stuck in this stage may be so afraid of their own autonomy that they stay in an abusive relationship because they doubt their ability to be on their own. They justify their decision with spiritual teachings such as, “Turn the other cheek,” or “I’m practicing compassion.”
What Is the Alternative to Spiritual Bypass?The alternative to spiritual bypass is turning towards what’s happening- meeting it head on, with compassion. The pain we feel has to go somewhere. When we bypass it, we don’t get rid of it. We store it in our subconscious, our muscles, and our nervous system. Sometimes it will lay dormant, and sometimes it will be activated. We have to prioritize our own healing process when difficult things happen, making space in our busy lives for our pain. We all need support. Most of us could work on getting better at asking for and receiving support. A Spiritual Revolution Means…It may sound like I am knocking spirituality, when actually I believe in the power of spiritual teachings and practices. In fact, a shift in consciousness on large scale is probably the only thing that will bring healing to the planet. Rainn Wilson of The Office recently wrote a book entitled Soul Boom: Why We Need A Spiritual Revolution. He says, “…there are spiritual tools that are practical and profound that can transform our lives personally, but can also transform our society.” James Gustave Speth, an environmental lawyer and former US senior advisor on climate change, said, “I used to think that top environmental problems were biodiversity loss, ecosystem collapse, and climate change. I thought that thirty years of good science could address these problems. I was wrong. The top environmental problems are selfishness, greed, and apathy, and to deal with these we need a cultural and spiritual transformation.”
The next time you hear spiritual bypass, the invitation is to name it, and to turn towards whatever is trying to be avoided. My hunch is we often accept spiritual bypass statements because we fear coming across as judgmental of someone’s spiritual beliefs. This doesn’t need to be the case. Naming what is happening creates awareness, and this can be the beginning of an honest conversation. Usually we don’t have to look too far to see where we are resisting, unable to emotionally regulate, dissociating, or struggling in our relationships. Let’s see if we can dig a little deeper, and get real with each other. And, let’s do our spiritual practices.
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