As the US pulled troops out of Afghanistan, we all watched in horror as people desperately tried to escape the country. Politics aside, the truth was unfolding before us that something had gone terribly wrong as this war had been transferred from president to president, soldier to soldier, generation to generation. The collective and individual trauma that is the result of this 20 year war is incomprehensible, for both Afghans and Americans. It serves as a concrete example of the concept that trauma is inherited, passed on from one generation to the next. The idea that we can inherit trauma has gained considerable traction over the past 10 years. In Mark Wolynn’s book, It Didn’t Start With You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle, he summarizes the research as well as the experiences of many people to illustrate how this works. Much of the initial research was done by Rachel Yehuda on Holocaust survivors and their descendants.
How Do I Know if I Have Inherited Trauma?
It would be hard not to. Most of our ancestors lived through (and fought in) wars. Early deaths were more common before medical advancements, leaving children and families without loved ones. A lack of mental health awareness and support made people susceptible to abuse that spanned generations. It is possible that depression, anxiety, phobias, and obsessive thoughts are rooted in the traumas of your older relatives. The only way to find out is to start digging into your family history. I’ve generally found that once people start asking relatives about their past, most are willing to open up and share what they know. It is helpful to go back as many generations as you can, preferably at least 3. Some questions that could get the conversation started:
- What were your grandparents like? What do you know about difficulties they experienced?
- Do you know if anyone in our family died young?
- Was anyone estranged from the family? Why?
- Who had an addiction?
- Who struggled with mental health?
But if I never even knew about _______ , how can it be impacting me?
This is a big part of why it is impacting you. Another way to think about it is: secrecy=shame=trauma. What gets suppressed can’t be healed, what isn’t healed gets passed on from generation to generation through both nature and nurture. The field of Epigenetics is studying how behaviors and the environment impact heritable changes in gene function.
This seems kinda out there.
There is no doubt that this is pushing the edge of what we have all been taught to believe is true. How can traumatic events that happened years before our birth show up impact how our genes work? Inherited trauma is a relatively new science, and, it is a science. Most scientific concepts get pushback from the status quo in the beginning. Galileo is an example. He taught that the planets orbit around the sun, a radical idea at the time, which was seen as heresy and he was put in prison. Encourage your mind to be open and curious. Don’t let old belief systems control your healing process. They are a part of the problem.
How Can I Insure I Don’t Pass Trauma Down to My Children?
“Your initial reaction is usually your past trying to impose itself on your present.” ~ Yung Pueblo
A starting point is to be curious about:
- What upsets you?
- What is the belief system operating when you are upset?
- Is your reaction in proportion to the event? If not, often this is a pointer to something deeper being triggered.
- If you’ve overreacted, apologize. Explain to your child that you made a mistake, and ask for a “re-do.” Tell them what you wish you would have said or done instead.
Not wanting to pass down trauma can be a powerful motivator to find support to do our own healing work. Remember that our own pain must be held with compassion and kindness rather than self-aggression. As Mark Wolynn says, it didn’t start with you. This knowledge can often help us have a different view of our suffering. Traumatic events do come to an end. Then the healing can begin. The trauma in your family line can end with you.
