I get the privilege of talking to many people, and a theme I’ve noticed is that many people are experiencing difficulty connecting. What does it mean to connect? It’s hard to explain but when we experience it we know it, and most of us want it more than anything. Brené Brown defines connection this way: “The energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”
What Gets in the Way of Connection?
Embedded in the definition are also the barriers to it: Not being seen, heard, or valued. Being afraid of being judged, and being judgmental. Feeling drained by your relationship instead of energized or at peace with it. So, what to do if you find yourself in this place in any of your relationships, especially during the Covid-19 quarantine? Have a connecting conversation.
How to Have A Connecting Conversation:
I’ll outline the steps, then explain them in more detail below.
- Schedule it at a time that is agreed upon by both people.
- Decide who will speak first, and who will listen, knowing that you will swap roles.
- If you are the speaker, stick to one topic, and be concise.
- If you are the listener, really listen.
- When the speaker feels complete, switch roles.
- Notice how you feel.
- Schedule another conversation.
Schedule a Time:
This seems obvious, but the first step is important. First of all, it entails acknowledgment and agreement that a connecting conversation is needed. Second, it may prove difficult during this time when kids are not at school and people are working from home, and will most likely require some planning. Pick a time when both people have energy and distractions are kept to a minimum: i.e. it’s not the end of the day, kids are occupied, work is not interfering, and screens can be turned off.
If You Are The First Speaker:
Be concise. Pick one topic to start off with, even if there are several things that are bothering you. Marshall Rosenberg, author of Non-Violent Communication, says that after about 40 words, the listener tends to become distracted or starts planning their rebuttal. So take some time to get to the heart of what it is you want to say, and follow these steps.
1) Be observational, not judgmental. Avoid interpretations. For example: Instead of, “Yesterday I asked if you would clean up the kitchen and you ignored me.” (This is subject to interpretation) Say, “Yesterday, I asked if you would clean up the kitchen and I didn’t hear you respond.”
2) Express your feelings and needs. (click to get some idea generating lists) For example: “When I didn’t hear you respond, I felt frustrated because I had the need to be acknowledged.”
3) Request that the listener reflect back what he/she heard you say. After hearing an accurate reflection, see if there is more that you’d like to share about that same topic, or if you feel complete. You may have another request that arises, if so, make sure it is concrete, do-able, and specific. For example, “Next time I ask if you’ll clean up the kitchen, would you be willing to make sure you respond to me and that I hear you?”
If you are the Listener:
1) Be like a mirror and reflect, don’t deflect. Stick to the subject initiated by the speaker. Re-state what you heard the other person say as verbatim as possible.
2) Check for understanding. For example: “I heard you say you asked me to clean up the kitchen, then didn’t hear me respond, and that you felt frustrated because you would like to be acknowledged. Did I get that right?”
If the speaker says yes, that’s correct, ask, “Is there more you want to say about that?” If the speaker does have more to say, reflect that back.
If the speaker say no, you did not accurately reflect what he/she said, ask him or her to repeat it. It’s OK if this happens- normalize it and have it not be a big deal if things need to be repeated. This takes practice.
3) Don’t disagree or defend yourself. For example, if you think you did respond when asked to clean up the kitchen, don’t say, “But I did respond, you just didn’t hear me. I told you I had to work!” Wait until it is your turn to be the speaker, then follow the guidelines for the speaker.
4) Empathize with the speaker. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Empathy does not equal agreement, it means that you understand, or at least are trying to understand, the other person’s experience. For example: I can understand you feeling frustrated that you didn’t hear a response from me. I’d feel that way too if I said something and didn’t hear you acknowledge what I’d said.” Or: I’m glad you told me that you were frustrated, and I want you to know that I do understand that you want to be acknowledged.”
When the first speaker feels complete, switch roles, and follow the same guidelines. After both people have gone, decide if there is another topic each would like to bring up, or if the conversation is complete for now. Share with each other how you feel after having had the connecting conversation, and if needed set up another one.
Things That Will Tank Your Connecting Conversation:
- Talking too much when you’re the speaker, and not sticking to one topic at a time.
- Making your opinion/case when you are the listener instead of reflecting and empathizing.
- Not switching roles and leaving the conversation unbalanced.
- Getting too hung up on the fact that it sounds “weird” or feels “forced” to communicate in this way. It is different, but remember that the usual way you communicate is not leading to connection.
- Being judgmental of the other person.
- Being judgmental of yourself.
This last point, being judgmental of one’s self, may be what causes a number of conflicts in the first place. Using the above example, if I were to think, “It’s really not OK for me to ask him to clean up the kitchen because he is working and I’m just being lazy…” then my judgment of myself is going to stop me from expressing myself, which is ultimately going to lead to resentment, which leads to unskillful conflict and interactions.
We all have needs. To have a connecting conversation is to acknowledge our humanity, our vulnerability, and our need to connect with others. During this time of social distancing this is very important, as connection is an essential piece of our well-being.
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