Jane’s Story:
I was recently talking to a client of mine, Jane, (not her real name) who had gone to visit her father. They had been estranged on and off over the past 25 years, beginning when he had moved out and stopped talking to her when she was 13. “I thought I had forgiven him,” she said. “I thought I had moved on from all the anger, grief, and feelings of abandonment.” In reality, however, the visit had brought up all of those old feelings with a vengeance, resulting in a huge fight with her partner, and she and her father, once again, parting ways not speaking.
What is forgiveness?
We tend to think of forgiveness as something we give to someone else. “I forgive you,” is the language we use. However, as Jane experienced first hand, to say those words doesn’t mean that forgiveness has really taken place at all. We cannot forgive someone until we have worked through the emotional pain that we experienced as a result of our interaction(s) with that person. When we have done that, forgiveness will arise spontaneously. So really, forgiveness is a gift that we give ourselves, through a process of working through and freeing ourselves of our own emotional pain, so that we are no longer slaves to it.
Letting go of the blame game:
Blaming another person for our emotional pain is the “business as usual” model in our culture, and it is particularly seductive when we have been the recipient of another person’s violent or unjust behavior. However, as Marshall Rosenberg states in his book, Non-Violent Communication, “What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.” Continuing to blame the other person for our emotional pain keeps us stuck in it because we continue to see ourselves as a victim. The other person is still “doing something” to us, (that’s a lot of power!) even if we haven’t see that person in years.
Creating an identity out of our pain:
Sometimes, we wear our wounding like a badge of honor, creating a fixed identity out of it. “This is who I am.” “This experience defines me.” Creating an identity based out of our pain is a limiting way to view ourselves, makes it impossible to free ourselves from the past, and perpetuates behaviors that usually do not serve us.
What do you mean by behaviors that don’t serve us?
Let’s go back to Jane’s story. Being around her father brought back unresolved feelings of grief, anger, and abandonment. When her partner chose not to attend a family gathering on their trip, she felt those feelings intensely, and lashed out at her partner in a way that even she admits now, was over the top. “I couldn’t control myself,” she said. “I started screaming and crying hysterically. I couldn’t have a rational conversation. I was accusing him of all kinds of things that were not true- like not caring about me and wanting to leave me. He eventually could not take my outburst anymore and left the house, which only reinforced my belief at the moment that he wanted out of the relationship.” (For more information on this, please read my article on Self-fulfilling prophecies).
Why is forgiveness so hard?
Quite simply, because it is really painful. Many of us have been through traumatic experiences and to feel all the pain associated with that goes against our instincts. Our tendency is to push away emotional pain, not embrace it.
What does the process of forgiveness look like?
There isn’t of course, one way to forgive. Everyone has their own process to go through, depending on their unique experience. There does however, seem to be a common thread- making the time and space in our busy lives to feel the feelings associated with the person we can’t seem to forgive. I recommend starting with 10-15 minutes a day of letting yourself experience the anger, grief, fear, etc. that you feel. It might be helpful to get the support of a partner, friend, or therapist if the feelings are particularly overwhelming or frightening to you. Slowly, as the energy of emotion is felt, it moves, changes, and eventually dissipates. Self-care is important as you dive into this process. Make sure that you have adequate support, eat well, exercise, get enough sleep, and don’t self medicate with drugs and alcohol. Nourish yourself as you take the time to forgive and take steps toward freeing yourself once and for all from the chains of the past.
I was abused. Doesn’t forgiving mean that I am condoning that behavior?
No. Forgiveness is never about condoning another person’s behavior. It is about freeing ourselves of our emotional pain and the behaviors that result from this pain that are unhealthy and unproductive. The point here it to focus on what you can control, which is your own emotional well being and your quality of life.
How do I get started?
First, applaud yourself for wanting to engage in this process at all. It takes a lot of courage, patience, and willingness to feel a lot of uncomfortable feelings. Next, look at your schedule. When is a good time for you to fit in your forgiveness practice? Once you have committed the time, seek out support from those you trust. Let them know what you are embarking on, and ask if they would be willing to listen, come over and sit with you, go out for tea, or whatever would feel supportive and nourishing to you. Once you begin, you are going to feel uncomfortable, maybe even overwhelmed with emotion -emotion that you have possibly spent a lifetime avoiding. Remember that the more you feel the uncomfortable emotions, the easier it will be and you will begin to feel less overwhelmed and scared. Eventually these feelings will not have the power to dictate your behavior.
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“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” ~ Catherine Ponder