In my work I talk a lot about compassion. What it is, and what it isn’t. There’s a lot of confusion out there. The biggest misconception I hear can be summarized as, “If I was really a compassionate person, I’d be ok with whatever people do that hurts me, because I know that the other person is hurting as well.” Although this way of thinking contains a seed of truth (the other person is hurting) it is a misguided view of compassion, and ultimately leads to more suffering for both people.
Maria’s Story:
Maria had been in a relationship for 2 years. Often when she and her partner would disagree on something he would become very angry and yell at her, saying hurtful things that he later would regret. Sometimes she would just take it, and sometimes she would yell back. She shared with me that neither response felt very good. “I don’t know how to respond. When I’m quiet, I feel like I’m suppressing myself and it builds resentment. When I yell back, I feel terrible about myself, because I’m doing the very thing that I wish he would stop doing to me.” We began a discussion of what a compassionate response would be, both to herself, and to her partner.
What Compassion Is:
There are a lot of great teachings on compassion, so rather than re-invent the wheel, here is a sampling:
Compassion is made up of two words. ‘Co’ meaning together, and ‘passion,’ meaning a strong feeling. And this is what compassion is. When we see someone in distress and we feel their pain as if it were our own, and strive to eliminate or lessen their pain, then this is compassion. ~ Center for Inner Quality
Compassionate people are boundary people… The heart of compassion is really acceptance. The better we are at accepting ourselves and others the more compassionate we become. It’s difficult to accept people when they are hurting us or taking advantage of us or walking all over us. ~ Brene Brown
Loving-kindness and compassion are the basis for wise, powerful, sometimes gentle, sometimes fierce actions that can really make a difference- in our own lives and those of others. ~ Sharon Salzberg
Compassion is the keen awareness of the interdependence of all things. ~ Thomas Merton
What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart. ~ Marshall Rosenberg
What Compassion Is Not:
- Being responsible for other people’s feelings or actions
- Allowing someone to physically, emotionally, or verbally abuse you because “they don’t mean to” or “they’ve had a hard life”
- Pity
- Repeatedly saying “yes” because you think that’s what the other person wants you to say when you really want to say “no”
- Disregarding your own needs, feelings, and emotions in order to “make someone happy”
- Having no boundaries
3 Stages of Emotional Liberation
Marshall Rosenberg describes 3 stages on the path from emotional slavery to emotional liberation in his book, Non-Violent Communication. Stages 1 and 2 are what I call the “compassion confusion” stages. Stage 3 describes compassionate communication and action.
Stage 1: We are responsible for the feelings of others, and we must constantly strive to keep everyone happy. This can easily lead us to see the very people we are closest to as burdens.
Stage 2: We no longer want to be responsible for others’ feelings. We feel angry at how little we have responded to the call of our own soul. We have yet to learn how to be responsible to others in a way that is not emotionally enslaving.
Stage 3: We respond to the needs of others out of compassion, never out of fear, guilt, or shame. We accept full responsibility for our own intentions and actions, but not the feelings of others.
How Can I Be Compassionate and Still Assert Myself?
To assert one’s own feelings and needs in no way has to discredit the feelings and needs of another person. We can share what is true for ourselves and still be open to the reaction and experience of the other person. I wrote an article about this a few years ago called Getting Over the Doormat Syndrome.
Maria’s Compassionate Response
Maria decided she was ready to respond to her partner in a compassionate way. The next time he yelled, she was ready. First she stayed present with her own experience and shared it. “I see you are angry. When you yell, I feel scared, and I need safety in our relationship in order to talk to you. Would you be willing to have this conversation when you are calm?” Her partner was shocked at her response, and didn’t know quite what to say. So he kept yelling, but with less volume. Encouraged, Maria asked him, “I’m wondering what you need right now, because I know you are upset.” What happened next shocked them both. Her partner burst into tears and said, “No one has ever asked me that before.” Maria’s anger toward him for yelling at her immediately evaporated. This was the beginning of the two of them working together to change the way they communicated.
Ending Compassion Confusion:
1. Get clear on your own feelings and needs and communicate them.
2. Listen to the feelings and needs of the other person.
3. Be open to how everyone’s needs can be met.
4. Practice!