Communication Gridlock
Here is an excerpt of a typical argument between Ted and Jennie: (Names have been changed).
“We have some version of the same argument over and over,” Ted said. “She nags me and then says I don’t listen. What she doesn’t seem to get is her nagging makes me not want to listen!” Jennie responded, “I only nag because you don’t listen! You are worse than the kids. You constantly forget important dates and I can’t rely on you to do what you say you’re going to do.”
What Causes Communication Gridlock?
When communication gridlock happens, neither person is willing to listen to the other, see the other’s point of view, or try a new way of communicating. Just like in a traffic jam, all motion has come to a dead stop, and no one can seem to get out of the way so that there can be movement.
Communication gridlock has many causes. Here are the top 5:
1. Wanting to be “right” over wanting to resolve conflict
2. Needs that are not being met
3. Unskillful expression (or no expression) of feelings
4. Judgment of yourself and /or the other person
5. Unwillingness to take responsibility for your own feelings/needs/wants
5 Steps to Changing How You Communicate
The following steps are taken from Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. For more information on non-violent communication, please click here.
1. Deeply listen for feelings and needs, paraphrase what you heard.
2. Make observations, not judgments
3. Feel and express your feelings
4. Link your feelings to what you need
5. Make a request
Getting out of the Gridlock
This is how Ted and Jennie’s conversation sounded using non-violent communication:
Ted: I hear you reminding me to not forget about dinner next week. (Observation)
I feel frustrated because I need to feel like you can trust me. (Feeing/Need)
I’d like to ask that once we’ve had the discussion you don’t bring it up again. (Request)
Jennie: (Listening and reflecting back feelings and needs): I hear you saying that you feel
frustrated and want me to trust you. A way I could show you I trust you is to not repeat myself about our dinner plans. Is that right?
Ted: Yes.
Jennie: I feel anxious because I need to know that you won’t forget about dinner. It’s important to me. (Feeling/Need)
Would you be willing to put it on your calendar and tell me that morning that you remember we have dinner plans? (Request)
Ted: (Listening and reflecting feelings and needs) I hear you saying that you feel anxious and need reassurance that I won’t forget about dinner. I could help you with that by writing our dinner date down on my calendar and letting you know that morning I haven’t forgotten. Did I hear you right?
Jennie: Yes, thank you.
Because Ted and Jennie are both taking responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and not blaming or judging each other, they are able to get out of the gridlock. They are able to hear and support each other.
I Can’t Talk Like That- It’s Too Contrived
Just like when learning any new skill, it probably will feel awkward at first. However, if you are willing to practice, it will get easier, and your relationships will improve as a result of your improved communication. Especially if you are experiencing communication gridlock, it can’t hurt to try something new. You can always go back to your other way of communicating, however, you’ll probably find that this new way of communicating is more effective. You will get your needs met and your feelings heard, and so will the other person.
When I’m Emotional I Just React
This is very common. When you are feeling a strong, uncomfortable emotion such as anger, sadness, jealousy, or fear (to name a few), the tendency is to try and “get rid” of the feeling by not taking responsibility for it, and often blaming another person. When feeling strong emotion the key to not reacting is to slow everything down. Take a deep breath. Feel the sensations of the emotion in your body. Look around you. Create some space so that you can choose your response rather than your response choosing you.
How Do I Start?
Deciding that you are ready to take responsibility for your own feelings, needs, and wants is the first step. If you are ready to try a more effective way of communicating such as non-violent communication, here are some ways to get started:
* Next time you feel an argument coming on, see if you can catch it in the early stages and try deeply listening to the other person, as well as reflecting back what you hear. Also stay in tune with your own experience.
* Practice pausing when you feel a strong emotion. Breathe.
* Talk to the person you are having trouble communicating with during a time when things are calm. Ask him/her to read this article.
* Buy Marshall Rosenberg’s book or check it out from the library to learn more about non-violent communication. You can purchase his book on my website.
* If you are wanting a more in-depth exploration of non-violent communication, take my 2 day workshop. For more information, click here.
Remember to allow yourself time to learn a new skill. Communication patterns are often created during childhood, and will take some time to undo.