Milarepa was a Tibetan saint. The story goes that he was peacefully meditating in his cave when the demons of greed, fear, and anger appeared. They were terrifying. The flesh hung from their bones, and they smelled foul. They held bloody knives and swords. Milarepa looked up and said, “Ah, I’ve been expecting you. Come sit by my fire, have tea.” They said, “Aren’t you afraid of us?” He said, “No. Your hideous appearance only reminds me to be aware and have mercy. Come sit by my fire and have tea.”
Avoiding Our Fear
Unlike Milarepa, we usually do not invite our fear for tea. Instead, we push it away, kick it out the door, or pretend it’s not there. We worry and obsess about our thoughts and our life situation. We get angry at ourselves and become self-aggressive, interpreting our fear to mean that something is wrong with us. We escape through TV, alcohol, the computer, food- whatever our style. We very rarely sit down and do the one thing that would really be helpful- feel our fear.
Allowing our Fear and Building Self-Confidence
When we allow our fear to be as it is, we are being kind to ourselves, or having mercy, and stopping the habitual pattern of self-aggression. We are also building our self-confidence. When we know that we can be with our experience – no matter what it is- we notice a shift in ourselves. It suddenly doesn’t matter so much what is happening in our external world, because we know that we are ok, that we can take care of ourselves, no matter what we feel.
5 Steps to Feeling Fear
Step 1: Pause, and recognize that you are feeling fear. What is your experience?
Step 2: Create some space in your life for you to feel your fear. Turn off your cell phone, let your email go unanswered, and find a quiet place to be.
Step 3: Notice your fearful thoughts. What are you afraid of?
Step 4: Feel your body. Notice your breathing. Pay attention to any sensation you are aware of. If your thoughts compete for your attention, that’s normal. Gently return your attention to your physical experience.
Step 5: See what you notice. How is paying attention to your physical experience of fear different than paying attention to your thoughts? Is your experience of fear solid, or does it change?
I Avoid My Fear to Keep My Life Going
Avoiding your fear is taking up a lot of energy. Think of yourself trying to avoid someone at a party. He walks in the kitchen, you walk into the dining room. He walks into the dining room, you walk outside onto the porch. You have to constantly know where that person is and adjust yourself accordingly. This is the same thing we do with our fear. Wouldn’t it be easier to just sit down and have a conversation? Think of all the places you could put your energy if it wasn’t going toward avoiding your fear. What could you accomplish?
From Fear to Confidence
When Laura (not her real name) first started seeing me she was terrified of horses. “They’re so big and unpredictable,” she said. Yet, despite her fear, she was drawn to them as well, and saw an opportunity to practice a new way of being with her fear. We spent the first couple of sessions observing the horses from a distance, with a fence between us. “Do you feel afraid standing here?” I asked. At first she did. After a couple of sessions, however, of allowing her fear and feeling it in her body, not trying to change it, explain it away, or get rid of the trigger (in this case the horses), Laura noticed something- she didn’t feel afraid anymore. “Would you like to go through the gate?” I asked. To her own surprise, she enthusiastically replied, “Yes.” Once inside the gate on the same side of the fence as the horses, Laura noticed that she was starting to feel afraid again. The horses were out in the pasture- quite some distance away-which gave us a chance to pause, and let Laura feel her fear. After some time had passed, again Laura noticed that her fear was gone. We kept moving toward the horses in this way, stopping when the fear would arise, allowing it and honoring it, until eventually it would dissipate. One day, Laura found herself standing next to a horse. “How do you feel?” I asked. “Like I could accomplish anything!” She replied. Laura had found her self-confidence.
Inviting the Fear
You can try your best to avoid fear- thus avoiding yourself- or you can choose to invite it in for tea (or coffee!) Feeling afraid is a natural part of life, and it helps insure survival and well-being. Feeling your fear may be uncomfortable, but it will not harm you. Taking the time to acknowledge it, honor it, and feel it allows you to better know yourself, thus increasing your self-confidence.