“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” ~ Rumi
“Being right is highly overrated. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.” ~ Author Unknown
Recently I had a disagreement with a friend of mine who hadn’t responded to my email about getting together. My feelings were hurt, and I decided to talk to her about it. I felt the facts were clear- I had the email correspondence, including the last email that she had not replied to, still in my in box- a paper trail of proof that I was “right.” So, when the conversation started to take a defensive turn and she suggested that I had not replied to a text of hers about the plans, I realized I was at a choice point. What did I really want out of the interaction? Did I want to be defensive and “right,” or did I want to clearly convey to her that my feelings were hurt, that I know I am responsible for my feelings, and that I would appreciate it if she would be sensitive to my need to be responded to when I suggest plans in the future?
Perspective
If we want to resolve conflict and have happier, more harmonious relationships, we have to shift our perspective. We have to believe that being right is not as important as clear and effective communication, understanding the other person’s point of view, being compassionate, asking to get our needs met, and/or creating peace in our lives. We have to check our egos at the door.
Easier Said Than Done
Sounds simple, so why is it so hard? Our educational system is largely focused on finding the “right” answer. This is what is emphasized and reinforced. When we have the right answer we get gold stars and praise. When we have the “wrong” answer we get the red pen and sometimes even embarrassed in front of our peers. I remember a high school history teacher of mine who would pass back tests in order from the highest grade to the lowest grade. I would silently pray each time that my test would not be the last returned for fear of feeling humiliated.
Even More Reasons
Other reasons we like to be right include:
* Not wanting to feel uncomfortable emotions – Often when we don’t want to feel something, (frustration, anger, sadness, grief, anxiety, jealousy, etc…) and we don’t want to take responsibility for our feelings, we blame others, and make them “wrong.”
* Not wanting to feel vulnerable – Feeling our feelings and taking responsibility for them can be a vulnerable experience. We don’t want people to see us so naked. We protect ourselves with the mask of righteousness.
* Not wanting to change perspective– Often we are more set in our ways of thinking than we care to admit. If we are not “right,” we might actually have to open ourselves up to a new way of thinking and being in the world, which is scary for our egos. Our egos like familiarity, and consider anything outside its narrow structure to be threatening.
* Wanting to feel in control– Being right helps solidify the illusion that we are in control, that we have understanding of our world and what is happening in it.
* Wanting to feel safe– This one has roots in our childhood. When we were “right” or good, we were not in danger of being yelled at, punished, humiliated, embarrassed, or in some cases, abused.
How to Get Out of the “Being Right” Trap
The first step is to recognize that you are caught in the “being right” trap. Bring awareness to what situations and/or people trigger your desire to be right at all costs. When you do notice it, see if you can pause a moment to check in with yourself. What are you feeling? Fear? Anger? Take a deep breath and see if you can slow down your reaction. Ask yourself, “What is my intention for this interaction?” Do you want to resolve conflict? Be heard? Feel understood? Understand where the person is coming from? Communicate your intention to the person with whom you are having conflict. Keep in mind that your intention is most likely not just about wanting to be right.
But What if the Other Person Just Wants to Be Right?
He or she probably will, for all the same reasons you want to be right. See if you can talk to the other person during a time when things are relatively calm and let him/her know that you would like to shift the focus of your conflicts from being “right” to clear and effective communication. Practice good listening skills and be open to hearing the other person’s response to your request.
Being Right is Over-Rated
It really is! Most of us are looking for connection, understanding, love, passion, joy, and acceptance for who we are. Being “right” and making someone else “wrong” is usually not an effective way to feel any of those things. In the situation I described above with my friend, I chose to focus on my feelings and what I needed for the situation to be resolved. I said to her, “My intention is not to blame you for not responding. It is to let you know how I felt and to try and improve communication in the future.” She was able to hear that so much better than she would have heard me blaming her for my experience.
My article next month is going to focus on the flip side of this article- taking on being “wrong” and all that goes along with that. Stay tuned…..
“Attachment to being right creates suffering. When you have a choice to be right, or to be kind, choose kind and watch your suffering disappear.” ~ Dr Wayne Dyer