I remember being in Nepal in 2001 on a study abroad program, and waking up in the middle of the night after having a vivid dream that I had been “voted off the program.” No doubt my sub-conscious was playing off of the then very popular TV show “Survivor,” where each week a cast member would be voted off the show by the other cast members. The odd thing was, I’d only seen the show once, yet that was enough for me to fear that I could be the one- the one everybody disliked enough to send packing. Add being in a completely new culture without the comforts of home, and this dream was really more like a nightmare. I felt extremely anxious for about a week afterwards that no one liked me, and all I really wanted was some relief from this uncomfortable feeling, some way to make it go away. Coincidently, (or not?) the same day I had the dream, I went to class to find that that the lecture of the day was on the Buddhist concept of maitri.
What Maitri Is:
Maitri, or loving kindness, (also sometimes translated as benevolence) starts with ourselves. It encompasses an attitude of curiosity- a willingness to see what is really happening in our experience, with openness and gentleness, instead of with the usual harsh self-judgment that many of us have grown accustomed to. Maitri is about befriending ourselves. From this place of kindness towards ourselves, we are then able to extend kindness to others.
What Maitri Is Not:
Maitri is not another self-improvement project. It does not mean that we will never be angry, jealous, frustrated, or lonely again. It simply means that we will try to relate to these experiences in a different way.
Avoiding Our Experience:
We all find ways to avoid uncomfortable emotions such as: watching television, over-eating, over-scheduling ourselves, working too much, and taking drugs and alcohol. These distractions may bring temporary relief, but eventually we realize that we can’t escape ourselves. Trying to escape our uncomfortable emotions is actually an act of self- aggression- we are sending the message that what we are experiencing is not ok, or that we are not ok. Maitri gives us a way to stop avoiding ourselves- to allow our experience, no matter how painful, with loving-kindness. When we can be with the spectrum of our own experience, we are then able to let others be and experience who they are, without feeling so threatened, as our comfort with ourselves is no longer dependent on another being a certain way.
Isn’t Not Being Hard On Myself Letting Myself Off the Hook?
No. The opposite is actually true. When we are being hard on ourselves, or self-aggressive, we are in a sense avoiding our experience, rather than relating to it directly. We are focused on our thoughts about how we should be, rather than how we actually are. If we want to experience more kindness towards ourselves and others, we need to become aware of our habitual self-aggression.
Being Voted Off:
Luckily for me, as I was experiencing intense anxiety in Nepal, I was introduced to maitri, and began to apply it to myself. I noticed my desire to escape- to read, to visit the local shop for a bar of chocolate, anything to avoid feeling like no one in my program liked me. Instead of beating up on myself, “It was only a dream- get over it,” I was able to try a different approach. I allowed myself to get curious about and feel my anxiety- the tightness in my chest, my pounding heart, the uncomfortable intensity of energy pulsing through my body, without trying to make it go away or change it. This was an act of kindness towards myself. A message that I was ok, regardless of what I was feeling.