The Mind and the Future
When the mind creates a stressful version of the future, (and who knows if it actually will be true- it only exists in one place- our minds) our body’s response is generally to feel stress and anxiety.  Although we all experience these differently, some common experiences are:

* Tightening of the muscles
* Increased heart rate
* Difficulty breathing
* Increased body temperature/sweating
* Inability to focus
* Increased production of adrenaline
* Feeling of agitation/inability to relax

Reining in the Mind
I knew if I wanted to fall back asleep, I had to shift my focus from my mind’s future fantasy to the present moment.  A present moment anchor that is always available to us is our body.  So, I started with my breath.  As I lay in bed, I noticed the rise and fall of my chest as my breath went in and out.  My mind of course tugged at my focus, “But what about tomorrow! You have to get up early! You’re going to be so tired!”  I noticed that, and gently returned my attention to my breath.  Slowly, I felt my body start to relax.  I was feeling sleepier, but not quite ready to sleep yet.      

The Body Scan
The next strategy I used to fall back asleep was a body scan.  A body scan is a systematic process of bringing one’s awareness to sensations and energy in the body.  I started with my feet and paid attention to them- what did my feet feel like?  They were warm and a little tingly.  I also noticed they felt slightly achy and tired.  Tired!  Right, my body is tired at 4:00am!  I continued my body scan and I must have fallen asleep somewhere around my arms, because I don’t remember getting to my upper body.  If you are interested in more information on body scans or in listening to a guided body scan, please click here.

When I focus on my breathing or do the body scan, my mind always wanders to worrisome thoughts.
This is a very normal experience.  The mind is used to doing this- it’s a habit.  It will take some time to re-train your mind and for you to believe that you actually have a say in what it pays attention to!  When your mind wanders to anxious thoughts, simply notice that, and bring your attention back to your breath.  Don’t try and stop your mind, just re-direct it.

It seems like everyone I know has insomnia.  Why is it so hard to sleep?
Looking at the big picture of our culture and the modern world, night is becoming a thing of the past.  Stores are open 24 hours.  You can chat, play games, pay bills, and do just about anything you want any hour of the day online.  There doesn’t seem to be a period of time when everyone just rests. Verlyn Klinkenborg writes in National Geographic, Our Vanishing Night, “Darkness is as essential to our biological welfare, to our internal clockwork, as light itself. The regular oscillation of waking and sleep in our lives–one of our circadian rhythms–is nothing less than a biological expression of the regular oscillation of light on Earth. So fundamental are these rhythms to our being that altering them is like altering gravity.”

What if I struggle with chronic insomnia?
Statistics vary, but approximately 15% of Americans have chronic insomnia, which is defined as lasting for more than 1 month.  For more insomnia statistics, click here.  Chronic insomnia is very frustrating and impacts all aspects of one’s life including health, relationships, work performance, mood, and overall enjoyment of life.  In some cases, chronic insomnia leads to depression, anxiety, and other psychological disorders. If you struggle with chronic insomnia, here are some suggestions:

* Avoid caffeine, especially after 12:00pm
* Avoid alcohol
* Get daily exercise
* Create a relaxing environment in your bedroom.  Clean up clutter, get rid of the TV, have a comfortable bed, clean sheets, etc.
* Start a bedtime routine that begins about an hour before you are ready to get to sleep.  Drink some hot decaffeinated tea or warm milk, listen to some relaxing music, and/or take a hot bath or shower.  If you notice yourself worrying about the next day, write down your worries in a journal to express them and help clear them out of your mind.
* Evaluate your stress load.  What can you eliminate from your life that is causing you undue stress and worry?
* Schedule time in your day to consciously relax. (See more on this below)
* Avoid being on your computer or watching TV until right before you go to bed.  
* Once you are in bed, try focusing on your breathing, and then do a body scan.
* Create darkness in your room.  Install curtains or shades that block out the city light.

Relaxing during the day:
It can also be helpful to focus on your breathing and body when you are experiencing stress and anxiety during the day. Just taking 3-5 minutes at work or while going through your daily routine to check in with yourself, notice your internal experience, and relax can be very helpful in reducing stress and anxiety.  Doing this during the day also will help you sleep better at night because there will be less accumulation of stress and anxiety in your body.

Getting support:
Sleep is necessary for good mental and physical health.  If you try the above suggestions and are still struggling, seek more support from a mental health professional, doctor, acupuncturist, or doctor of naturopathic medicine.  There is help for you!

I was recently talking to a client of mine, Jane, (not her real name) who had gone to visit her father.  They had been estranged on and off over the past 25 years, beginning when he had moved out and stopped talking to her when she was 13. “I thought I had forgiven him,” she said.  “I thought I had moved on from all the anger, grief, and feelings of abandonment.”  In reality, however, the visit had brought up all of those old feelings with a vengeance, resulting in a huge fight with her partner, and she and her father, once again, parting ways not speaking.

What is forgiveness?
We tend to think of forgiveness as something we give to someone else.  “I forgive you,” is the language we use.  However, as Jane experienced first hand, to say those words doesn’t mean that forgiveness has really taken place at all.  We cannot forgive someone until we have worked through the emotional pain that we experienced as a result of our interaction(s) with that person. When we have done that, forgiveness will arise spontaneously.  So really, forgiveness is a gift that we give ourselves, through a process of working through and freeing ourselves of our own emotional pain, so that we are no longer slaves to it.

Letting go of the blame game:
Blaming another person for our emotional pain is the “business as usual” model in our culture, and it is particularly seductive when we have been the recipient of another person’s violent or unjust behavior.  However, as Marshall Rosenberg states in his book, Non-Violent Communication, “What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.”  Continuing to blame the other person for our emotional pain keeps us stuck in it because we continue to see ourselves as a victim.  The other person is still “doing something” to us, (that’s a lot of power!) even if we haven’t see that person in years.

Creating an identity out of our pain:
Sometimes, we wear our wounding like a badge of honor, creating a fixed identity out of it.  “This is who I am.”  “This experience defines me.”  Creating an identity based out of our pain is a limiting way to view ourselves, makes it impossible to free ourselves from the past, and perpetuates behaviors that usually do not serve us.

What do you mean by behaviors that don’t serve us?
Let’s go back to Jane’s story.  Being around her father brought back unresolved feelings of grief, anger, and abandonment.  When her partner chose not to attend a family gathering on their trip, she felt those feelings intensely, and lashed out at her partner in a way that even she admits now, was over the top.  “I couldn’t control myself,” she said.  “I started screaming and crying hysterically.  I couldn’t have a rational conversation.  I was accusing him of all kinds of things that were not true- like not caring about me and wanting to leave me.  He eventually could not take my outburst anymore and left the house, which only reinforced my belief at the moment that he wanted out of the relationship.”  (For more information on this, please read my article on Self-fulfilling prophecies).

Why is forgiveness so hard?
Quite simply, because it is really painful.  Many of us have been through traumatic experiences and to feel all the pain associated with that goes against our instincts.  Our tendency is to push away emotional pain, not embrace it.

What does the process of forgiveness look like?
There isn’t of course, one way to forgive.  Everyone has their own process to go through, depending on their unique experience.  There does however, seem to be a common thread- making the time and space in our busy lives to feel the feelings associated with the person we can’t seem to forgive.  I recommend starting with 10-15 minutes a day of letting yourself experience the anger, grief, fear, etc. that you feel.  It might be helpful to get the support of a partner, friend, or therapist if the feelings are particularly overwhelming or frightening to you.  Slowly, as the energy of emotion is felt, it moves, changes, and eventually dissipates.  Self-care is important as you dive into this process.  Make sure that you have adequate support, eat well, exercise, get enough sleep, and don’t self medicate with drugs and alcohol.  Nourish yourself as you take the time to forgive and take steps toward freeing yourself once and for all from the chains of the past.  

I was abused.  Doesn’t forgiving mean that I am condoning that behavior?
No.  Forgiveness is never about condoning another person’s behavior.  It is about freeing ourselves of our emotional pain and the behaviors that result from this pain that are unhealthy and unproductive.  The point here it to focus on what you can control, which is your own emotional well being and your quality of life.

How do I get started?
First, applaud yourself for wanting to engage in this process at all.  It takes a lot of courage, patience, and willingness to feel a lot of uncomfortable feelings.  Next, look at your schedule.  When is a good time for you to fit in your forgiveness practice?  Once you have committed the time, seek out support from those you trust.  Let them know what you are embarking on, and ask if they would be willing to listen, come over and sit with you, go out for tea, or whatever would feel supportive and nourishing to you.  Once you begin, you are going to feel uncomfortable, maybe even overwhelmed with emotion -emotion that you have possibly spent a lifetime avoiding.  Remember that the more you feel the uncomfortable emotions, the easier it will be and you will begin to feel less overwhelmed and scared.  Eventually these feelings will not have the power to dictate your behavior.
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“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel.  Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” ~ Catherine Ponder

In 1968, Jane Elliot, a 3rd grade teacher in Iowa, conducted an experiment in her classroom to teach her students about racism.  She divided the class into 2 groups- those with blue eyes and those with brown eyes.  On the first day of the experiment, the blue-eyed children were told they were better than the brown-eyed children.  They got special privileges such as extra time at recess and permission to use the drinking fountain.  In addition, they were praised all day long and told how smart they were.  The brown eyed children were told they were less intelligent than the blue eyed children and had to wear collars identifying themselves as a “brown-eyed.”  Whenever the children had difficulties, it was pointed out that the cause was that they had brown eyes. The next day the roles were reversed, and the brown-eyed children were told they were superior to the blue-eyed children.

The Results

Whichever group was told that they were the “inferior group” started to believe it.  They performed more slowly on timed reading tests than the other group, had difficulty interacting with their peers, and reported feeling badly about themselves, which interfered with their ability to concentrate on school work.  Jane Elliot had created a self-fulfilling prophecy among her 3rd graders.  Here are the videos of A Class Divided:

Click here to view the embedded video.     Click here to view the embedded video.                                                                       

What is a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy?

Wikipedia defines it as a prediction that directly or indirectly causes itself to become true, due to positive feedback between belief and behavior.  Another way of saying it is that through the lens of our belief we tend to create/focus on circumstances and behaviors that in turn reinforce our beliefs about ourselves.

What is a Core Belief?

Many of our beliefs are core beliefs.  A core belief is something we believe about ourselves, down to our core, to be true.  Core beliefs influence the way we interact with others, communicate, feel, and make decisions.  It is a filter through which we see the world.  Some core beliefs are formed in childhood, and others may develop after a trauma, serious illness, birth of a child, or other life-changing event.  The core beliefs that we tend to focus on in therapy are usually negative ones, however, most people have a combination of both positive and negative core beliefs.

Some examples of core beliefs are:

* The world is/is not a safe place
* I am/am not a capable person
* I am/am not lovable
* I am worthy/not worthy of respect
* I can /cannot get my needs met
* I have/don’t have value and worth
* I can/cannot take care of myself

One of my clients, who has given me permission to share her story (her name has been changed) described her persistent problem with relationships like this:

Sara’s Story:

I don’t trust myself to choose a good partner.  All the men I have been with in the past have been abusive in some way or another.  I keep choosing the same man!  So I go through phases of giving up, and not dating or trying to meet anyone.  But then I feel lonely, and find myself worrying that I’m going to grow old alone, and I don’t want that either.  I don’t know how to be in a healthy relationship!

Sara had identified her core belief: I can’t trust myself.  This belief was impacting her decisions in such a way that she was having the experience of self-fulfilling prophecies regularly.  She would find herself saying thing like, “I knew I shouldn’t go out with him, but I did anyway, and it was a disaster!”  We talked about experiences that had reinforced this belief, as well as times when she had been able to trust herself- situations when this core belief wasn’t true.  Slowly, Sara started taking the risk to trust herself by allowing herself to say “no” when something didn’t feel right, by feeling and expressing her true feelings (rather than how she thought she should feel), and kindly reminding herself that her experience was valid.  By taking these steps she was creating a new core belief, I can trust myself, and getting herself out of the self-fulfilling prophecy cycle.

How Can I Recognize Self-Fulfilling Prophecies?

To see how self-fulfilling prophecies might be playing out in your life, follow this 2-step process. 1) Start by identifying your beliefs about yourself.  Notice what you tell yourself during times of conflict or disagreement with others.  Are you kind to yourself?  Do you put yourself in a “one-down” position, or a “one-up” position?  Do you hear yourself saying any of the beliefs listed in the examples above?  It might be helpful to write them down or journal about them.  Once you have identified your beliefs about yourself, move on to the next step.  2) Piece together how those beliefs are impacting your interactions and decisions.  How might you be creating a self-fulfilling prophecy?  Identifying this pattern is a way to create powerful change in your life and to stop doing the same thing over and over!

I recently was talking to a client about a situation she is dealing with at work.  She described it like this: “My boss is so condescending and talks down to me.  She treats me like I’m stupid and I get so angry!  Then I get really afraid that I’m going to make a mistake or do something wrong, and it will just confirm her beliefs about me.  If I let the fear pick up momentum, I then worry that I’ll get fired, I won’t have enough money to pay my bills, and that my partner will then want to leave me.”

Does some version of this sound familiar?  We all have experienced relationships where we feel less than or inferior to the other person in some way or another.  The other person is more attractive, has more money, is a better parent, has a better job, a better partner, etc…  When we feel badly about ourselves, our anxiety can take over, and we end up feeling panicked, overwhelmed, and fearful that any mistake we make will cause irreparable damage to our life situation.  This is not a healthy mindset.

Being Wrong

In my last article I wrote about being “right.”  If you haven’t read that article and would like to, (it will help give this article some context) click here.

There is nothing wrong with being wrong per say, is there?  We are all human, and we all make mistakes.  Most of us do ok with admitting factual errors- “Oh, the movie starts at 6:00?  I thought it started at 5:30.”  However, being “wrong” can put us all into some uneasy territory, especially in the realm of intimate relationships.  What tends to happen when we have conflict is we start defending a position, and we equate that position with our sense of self. Thus, we end up defending our self worth, and the issue at hand that is causing conflict really becomes secondary.  This tends to cloud our ability to clearly communicate.

Taking Responsibility for Other People’s Feelings

One way we allow ourselves to feel inferior to others is that we buy into the belief that we are responsible for their feelings.  If someone is letting us know that he/she felt angry about something we did, we often blame ourselves for the other person’s experience.  “It’s my fault he feels that way, he just told me I made him feel angry.”  And then we feel bad about ourselves.  In order to shift this way of being, we have to change our belief that we are responsible for another person’s feelings.  Feelings are complex and arise out of a complicated combination of factors including: culture, gender, trauma, life experiences,  how we were parented, how much sleep we got, and on and on….The present situation we are dealing with (such as the example of the condescending boss I gave earlier) is just the tip of the iceberg- really the cause of an emotional reaction runs deep into the waters of our past.

The Flip Side Response

Another common response to someone telling us that he/she felt angry about something we did is to turn aggressive, angry and defensive.  “How can you blame me for that?!   Look at what you did!  I don’t have to listen to this!”   This way of responding may help us feel good about ourselves temporarily as it feeds the ego’s need to be “right,” but in the end, we generally end up feeling afraid (the other person is really going to leave me now!) sad (I feel so alone) or some version of self-aggression (I’m so stupid!  When am I going to learn to control my temper?!?”).  None of these reactions help us to feel good about ourselves, but rather, reinforce the belief that we are inferior, wrong, or less than the other person.

So What is the “Right” Response?

We have to be careful when we start looking for the “right” response, because then we are setting ourselves up for doing it wrong!  It is a slippery slope.  If we want to respond in a way that is within our own integrity and serves the situation in the highest possible way, we have to become present, and learn to respond, not react.  This means slowing down our response enough to become aware of how we feel, what we are thinking, and what it is we genuinely want to be the result of our interaction.  

What if I Really Have Done Something Horrible?

We all do and say things that we regret.  This is a part of being human.  If you have done something you need to make amends for, do it.  Call the person, write a letter or email, apologize, do whatever you need to do to attempt to set things right.  The other person may or may not be responsive.  Do not make their response the new determination of your self worth.

Back to Eleanor

Our self worth is a given- if we believe it is- and it can only come from within.  No one can “make us” feel anything, including inferior, wrong, or less than.  How we feel about ourselves is our responsibility.  If we can choose to think of ourselves in a negative way, we can just as easily choose to think of ourselves in a positive way.  This leads to better relationships, health, and overall quality of life.  Shifting a core belief such as “I am inferior to others,” is not an easy feat.  Start by bringing awareness to the situations and people that spark a feeling of inferiority in you.  See if you can question the validity of that belief and try a new way of interacting.  Get support from those that love you.  Believe that you can do it!

Also know that you can seek the ongoing support of a therapist.  Golden is a convenient drive for most who live in the Denver-Metro area and I am happy to meet with you in person to see if I might be able to help!

Recently I had a disagreement with a friend of mine who hadn’t responded to my email about getting together.  My feelings were hurt, and I decided to talk to her about it.  I felt the facts were clear- I had the email correspondence, including the last email that she had not replied to, still in my in box- a paper trail of proof that  I was “right.”  So, when the conversation started to take a defensive turn and she suggested that I had not replied to a text of hers about the plans, I realized I was at a choice point.  What did I really want out of the interaction?  Did I want to be defensive and “right,” or did I want to clearly convey to her that my feelings were hurt, that I know I am responsible for my feelings, and that I would appreciate it if she would be sensitive to my need to be responded to when I suggest plans in the future?  

Perspective

If we want to resolve conflict and have happier, more harmonious relationships, we have to shift our perspective.  We have to believe that being right is not as important as clear and effective communication, understanding the other person’s point of view, being compassionate, asking to get our needs met, and/or creating peace in our lives.  We have to check our egos at the door.   

Easier Said Than Done

Sounds simple, so why is it so hard?  Our educational system is largely focused on finding the “right” answer.  This is what is emphasized and reinforced.  When we have the right answer we get gold stars and praise.  When we have the “wrong” answer we get the red pen and sometimes even embarrassed in front of our peers.  I remember a high school history teacher of mine who would pass back tests in order from the highest grade to the lowest grade.  I would silently pray each time that my test would not be the last returned for fear of feeling humiliated.   

Even More Reasons

Other reasons we like to be right include:

* Not wanting to feel uncomfortable emotions – Often when we don’t want to feel something, (frustration, anger, sadness, grief, anxiety, jealousy, etc…) and we don’t want to take responsibility for our feelings, we blame others, and make them “wrong.”
* Not wanting to feel vulnerable – Feeling our feelings and taking responsibility for them can be a vulnerable experience.  We don’t want people to see us so naked.  We protect ourselves with the mask of righteousness.  
* Not wanting to change perspective- Often we are more set in our ways of thinking than we care to admit.  If we are not “right,” we might actually have to open ourselves up to a new way of thinking and being in the world, which is scary for our egos.  Our egos like familiarity, and consider anything outside its narrow structure to be threatening.
* Wanting to feel in control- Being right helps solidify the illusion that we are in control, that we have understanding of our world and what is happening in it.  
* Wanting to feel safe- This one has roots in our childhood.  When we were “right” or good, we were not in danger of being yelled at, punished, humiliated, embarrassed, or in some cases, abused.

How to Get Out of the “Being Right” Trap

The first step is to recognize that you are caught in the “being right” trap.  Bring awareness to what situations and/or people trigger your desire to be right at all costs.  When you do notice it, see if you can pause a moment to check in with yourself.  What are you feeling?  Fear?  Anger? Take a deep breath and see if you can slow down your reaction.  Ask yourself, “What is my intention for this interaction?”  Do you want to resolve conflict?  Be heard?  Feel understood? Understand where the person is coming from?  Communicate your intention to the person with whom you are having conflict.  Keep in mind that your intention is most likely not just about wanting to be right.

But What if the Other Person Just Wants to Be Right?

He or she probably will, for all the same reasons you want to be right.  See if you can talk to the other person during a time when things are relatively calm and let him/her know that you would like to shift the focus of your conflicts from being “right” to clear and effective communication.  Practice good listening skills and be open to hearing the other person’s response to your request.      

Being Right is Over-Rated

It really is!  Most of us are looking for connection, understanding, love, passion, joy, and acceptance for who we are.  Being “right” and making someone else “wrong” is usually not an effective way to feel any of those things.  In the situation I described above with my friend, I chose to focus on my feelings and what I needed for the situation to be resolved.  I said to her, “My intention is not to blame you for not responding.  It is to let you know how I felt and to try and improve communication in the future.”  She was able to hear that so much better than she would have heard me blaming her for my experience.

My article next month is going to focus on the flip side of this article- taking on being “wrong” and all that goes along with that.  Stay tuned…..

“Attachment to being right creates suffering.  When you have a choice to be right, or to be kind, choose kind and watch your suffering disappear.” ~ Dr Wayne Dyer

A few days ago, Ralph Lauren released an advertisement with model Fillipa Hamiltion that had been digitally altered, resulting in a freakishly thin Fillipa.  Ralph Lauren did publicly apologize and take responsibility for the ad, however, it doesn’t change the fact that the company thought that the photo of an emaciated woman would be considered attractive.

Dove recently started a “campaign for real beauty” and created a short video called  “Evolution” which shows how professional makeup, hair, and a computer alter a woman’s face to prepare her for a billboard ad.  You can watch that video here.

Click here to view the embedded video.Our culture has become obsessed with the appearance of the body, and we are constantly being sold the “right” way to look. Women and men of all ages are trying to mimic digitally altered models.  All the emphasis is placed on how your body looks- and not how your body feels or the skill of body awareness.   This fundamentally flawed way of relating to the body is wreaking havoc on the self-esteem of women and men, and has us putting our attention and energy on our bodies in a way that is unhealthy and in the grand scheme of things, unimportant.  All bodies change and age.   

Body Awareness

Body awareness is the ability to feel all parts of one’s body.  Seems simple enough, right? However, because we spend a great deal of time focused on our thinking, the ability to sense the body has become more difficult.  For people that dislike their body in some way (too fat, too thin, etc.) or experience chronic pain, being aware of the body can be uncomfortable and unpleasant. However, it is the doorway to a more confident self.  To believe that paying attention to the physical sensations of the body is more important than paying attention to the external appearance of the body is a radical shift in thinking.  It means acknowledging and paying attention to the fact that our bodies have their own intelligence, and to be cut off from that is to deny ourselves an essential part of our own wisdom.    

The Body Has Information

There are all kinds of sayings that indicate that the body is intelligent such as, “I had a gut feeling.”  And, “I followed my heart.”  If we only would listen, we’d find that our bodies have quite a bit to say about our lives and choices.  The body’s language is sensation.   Try this 2-minute experiment:  For one minute, sit down and slouch.  Round your shoulders forward or scrunch them upwards.  Let your back sag and your head hang down and forward.  Look down.  Breathe, and notice how you feel.  Next, sit up straight.  Relax your shoulders down.  Look out on the horizon. Sit like this and breathe for one minute.  What do you notice? How you feel is deeply connected to your body.

The Body and Emotion

Emotions are comprised of 2 things: thoughts and sensation in the body.  Usually, they are rolled into one jumbled mess.  If we can learn to separate the 2, emotions become more manageable. For example, if I feel angry, my thoughts might sound like this: “I can’t believe he said that to me!  What was he thinking!  He can’t treat me like that!”  The sensations in the body might be:  tightness in my jaw, rapid breathing, and a headache.  We often fuel our emotions with repetitive thinking, which is not helpful.  What is more useful is to pay attention to and feel the sensation in the body.  Emotion that gets suppressed gets stored in the body, and the build up can be overwhelming, leading to severe anxiety, depression, and rage.  Once we learn that we can tolerate and be present with all of our emotions, there is no need for them to be suppressed.  The symptoms of the suppressed emotions then go away, and we are free to have our experience without so much distress.

How is Paying Attention to My Body Going to Help Me Feel More Confident?

Standing up straight vs. slouching, being active vs. being sedentary, taking care of yourself when your body is telling you to rest, eat, move, stretch, etc. All these things will help you feel better about yourself.  In addition, as you become more comfortable with the sensations of emotion, you will become more confident.  Someone is saying something that triggers an angry response in you?  That’s ok.  You can deal with it.  Or someone says something that would normally upset you for weeks?  Now you can feel your response and let it run its course, not needing to hold on to it or perpetuate it with repetitive thinking.  All emotion in its pure form is temporary.  As you increase your ability to pay attention to your body, you also increase your choices.  If you can remain present in your body when you feel angry, you will be less reactive, having more options about how to respond.

Listening to the Body

Doing a body scan daily is a good way to practice listening to the body.  When you do a body scan, you bring your attention to different parts of your body, and feel the sensations (or lack of sensations) in each part.  Start with your head, and slowly work your way down, pausing to feel your forehead, eyes, ears, nose, mouth, jaw, throat, shoulders, chest, stomach, arms, hands, fingers, hips, legs, knees, feet, and toes.  As you bring your awareness to each part of the body, don’t judge or try to change what you feel- rather, let the sensations be as they are.  Many people find that doing a body scan helps them relax. If you would like to listen to some guided body scans, please click here.

Changing our Focus

At a 1997 Congressional briefing on eating disorders, Lisa Berzins, PhD, said, “Young girls have indicated in surveys that they are more afraid of becoming fat than they are of cancer, nuclear war, or losing their parents.”  If we want to have a healthy relationship with our bodies, we have to change our focus from outward appearances to inner sensing and knowing.  We have to stop hating our bodies, and start listening to them.  Bringing our attention and energy to the body in this way will improve our confidence, health and emotional well-being.
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Here is an excerpt of a typical argument between Ted and Jennie: (Names have been changed).

“We have some version of the same argument over and over,” Ted said.  “She nags me and then says I don’t listen.  What she doesn’t seem to get is her nagging makes me not want to listen!”  Jennie responded, “I only nag because you don’t listen!  You are worse than the kids.  You constantly forget important dates and I can’t rely on you to do what you say you’re going to do.”  

What Causes Communication Gridlock?

When communication gridlock happens, neither person is willing to listen to the other, see the other’s point of view, or try a new way of communicating.  Just like in a traffic jam, all motion has come to a dead stop, and no one can seem to get out of the way so that there can be movement.

Communication gridlock has many causes.  Here are the top 5:

1. Wanting to be “right” over wanting to resolve conflict
2. Needs that are not being met
3. Unskillful expression (or no expression) of feelings
4. Judgment of yourself and /or the other person
5. Unwillingness to take responsibility for your own feelings/needs/wants

5 Steps to Changing How You Communicate

The following steps are taken from Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. For more information on non-violent communication, please click here.

1. Deeply listen for feelings and needs, paraphrase what you heard.
2. Make observations, not judgments
3. Feel and express your feelings
4. Link your feelings to what you need
5. Make a request

Getting out of the Gridlock

This is how Ted and Jennie’s conversation sounded using non-violent communication:

Ted: I hear you reminding me to not forget about dinner next week.  (Observation)
I feel frustrated because I need to feel like you can trust me.  (Feeing/Need)
I’d like to ask that once we’ve had the discussion you don’t bring it up again. (Request)

Jennie:  (Listening and reflecting back feelings and needs):  I hear you saying that you feel
frustrated and want me to trust you.  A way I could show you I trust you is to not repeat myself about our dinner plans.  Is that right?

Ted: Yes.

Jennie: I feel anxious because I need to know that you won’t forget about dinner. It’s important   to me.  (Feeling/Need)
Would you be willing to put it on your calendar and tell me that morning that you remember  we have dinner plans? (Request)

Ted: (Listening and reflecting feelings and needs)  I hear you saying that you feel anxious and need reassurance that I won’t forget about dinner.  I could help you with that by writing our dinner date down on my calendar and letting you know that morning I haven’t forgotten.  Did I hear you right?

Jennie: Yes, thank you.

Because Ted and Jennie are both taking responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and not blaming or judging each other, they are able to get out of the gridlock.  They are able to hear and support each other.

I Can’t Talk Like That- It’s Too Contrived

Just like when learning any new skill, it probably will feel awkward at first.   However, if you are  willing to practice, it will get easier, and your relationships will improve as a result of your improved communication.  Especially if you are experiencing communication gridlock, it can’t hurt to try something new.  You can always go back to your other way of communicating, however, you’ll probably find that this new way of communicating is more effective. You will get your needs met and your feelings heard, and so will the other person.

When I’m Emotional I Just React

This is very common.  When you are feeling a strong, uncomfortable emotion such as anger, sadness, jealousy, or fear (to name a few), the tendency is to try and “get rid” of the feeling by not taking responsibility for it, and often blaming another person.  When feeling strong emotion the key to not reacting is to slow everything down.  Take a deep breath.  Feel the sensations of the emotion in your body.  Look around you.  Create some space so that you can choose your response rather than your response choosing you.

How Do I Start?

Deciding that you are ready to take responsibility for your own feelings, needs, and wants is the first step.  If you are ready to try a more effective way of communicating such as non-violent communication, here are some ways to get started:

* Next time you feel an argument coming on, see if you can catch it in the early stages and try deeply listening to the other person, as well as reflecting back what you hear. Also stay in tune with your own experience.
* Practice pausing when you feel a strong emotion.  Breathe.
* Talk to the person you are having trouble communicating with during a time when things are calm.  Ask him/her to read this article.
* Buy Marshall Rosenberg’s book or check it out from the library to learn more about non-violent communication.  You can purchase his book on my website.
* If you are wanting a more in-depth exploration of non-violent communication, take my 2 day workshop. For more information, click here.

Remember to allow yourself time to learn a new skill.  Communication patterns are often created during childhood, and will take some time to undo.

Avoiding Our Fear
Unlike Milarepa, we usually do not invite our fear for tea.  Instead, we push it away, kick it out the door, or pretend it’s not there.  We worry and obsess about our thoughts and our life situation.  We get angry at ourselves and become self-aggressive, interpreting our fear to mean that something is wrong with us.  We escape through TV, alcohol, the computer, food- whatever our style.  We very rarely sit down and do the one thing that would really be helpful- feel our fear.   

Allowing our Fear and Building Self-Confidence
When we allow our fear to be as it is, we are being kind to ourselves, or having mercy, and stopping the habitual pattern of self-aggression.  We are also building our self-confidence.  When we know that we can be with our experience – no matter what it is- we notice a shift in ourselves. It suddenly doesn’t matter so much what is happening in our external world, because we know that we are ok, that we can take care of ourselves, no matter what we feel.  

5 Steps to Feeling Fear
Step 1:  Pause, and recognize that you are feeling fear.  What is your experience?  
Step 2: Create some space in your life for you to feel your fear.  Turn off your cell phone, let your email go unanswered, and find a quiet place to be.
Step 3: Notice your fearful thoughts.  What are you afraid of?   
Step 4: Feel your body.  Notice your breathing.  Pay attention to any sensation you are aware of.  If your thoughts compete for your attention, that’s normal.  Gently return your attention to your physical experience.  
Step 5:  See what you notice.  How is paying attention to your physical experience of fear different than paying attention to your thoughts?  Is your experience of fear solid, or does it change?  

I Avoid My Fear to Keep My Life Going
Avoiding your fear is taking up a lot of energy.  Think of yourself trying to avoid someone at a party. He walks in the kitchen, you walk into the dining room.  He walks into the dining room, you walk outside onto the porch.  You have to constantly know where that person is and adjust yourself accordingly.  This is the same thing we do with our fear.  Wouldn’t it be easier to just sit down and have a conversation?  Think of all the places you could put your energy if it wasn’t going toward avoiding your fear.  What could you accomplish?

From Fear to Confidence
When Laura (not her real name) first started seeing me she was terrified of horses.  “They’re so big and unpredictable,” she said.   Yet, despite her fear, she was drawn to them as well, and saw an opportunity to practice a new way of being with her fear.  We spent the first couple of sessions observing the horses from a distance, with a fence between us.  “Do you feel afraid standing here?” I asked.  At first she did.  After a couple of sessions, however, of allowing her fear and feeling it in her body, not trying to change it, explain it away, or get rid of the trigger (in this case the horses), Laura noticed something- she didn’t feel afraid anymore.  “Would you like to go through the gate?”  I asked.  To her own surprise, she enthusiastically replied, “Yes.”  Once inside the gate on the same side of the fence as the horses, Laura noticed that she was starting to feel afraid again.  The horses were out in the pasture- quite some distance away-which gave us a chance to pause, and let Laura feel her fear.  After some time had passed, again Laura noticed that her fear was gone.  We kept moving toward the horses in this way, stopping when the fear would arise, allowing it and honoring it, until eventually it would dissipate.  One day, Laura found herself standing next to a horse.  “How do you feel?” I asked.  “Like I could accomplish anything!” She replied.  Laura had found her self-confidence.

Inviting the Fear
You can try your best to avoid fear- thus avoiding yourself- or you can choose to invite it in for tea (or coffee!)  Feeling afraid is a natural part of life, and it helps insure survival and well-being.  Feeling your fear may be uncomfortable, but it will not harm you.  Taking the time to acknowledge it, honor it, and feel it allows you to better know yourself, thus increasing your self-confidence.

What are We Missing?

Most of us go about our scheduled day and don’t take the time to connect to what is happening around us because we are too busy thinking about the past or the future.  We are literally lost in our thoughts, and the consequence of this is that we miss what is actually happening.  We miss the Joshua Bell experience.

Addicted to Thinking

We are addicted to thinking.  We have learned that thinking is the way we are going to solve all of life’s problems- everything from how we feel about ourselves to our financial situation to how to deal with our child’s problematic behavior.  And it isn’t that there is anything wrong with thinking per say- however – we don’t use our minds.  Our minds use us.  Our minds produce thought after thought after thought and there is seemingly nothing we can do to stop it.  Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now and A New Earth explains it like this:

“Your mind is an instrument, a tool. It is there to be used for a specific task, and when the task is completed, you lay it down. As it is, I would say about 80 to 90 percent of most people’s thinking is not only repetitive and useless, but because of its dysfunctional and often negative nature, much of it is also harmful. Observe your mind and you will find this to be true. It causes a serious leakage of vital energy.”

Recovery Through Mindfulness

If we want to be available for the experiences of our lives, we have to pay attention to more than our thinking.  We need to train the mind to pay attention to what is happening in the present moment.  This is called mindfulness.  According to The February 2004 issue of Harvard Women’s Health Watch “We are seeing more and more evidence that mindfulness can increase life enjoyment, improve the ability to cope with illness, and improve physical and emotional health.”  Mindfulness means paying attention to what you are  experiencing in your senses.  What is happening in your sense of sight, smell, sound, touch, and taste?  What sensations are present in your body?  Don’t think about it- experience it.

If I Don’t Think I Won’t Solve my Problems

Most of us have learned some version of this.  Thinking is one way that we can come up with solutions to our problems.  However, often when a challenging situation arises, we don’t use our minds in  productive way to move toward a solution.  We worry.  We obsess.  We think negatively about ourselves and others.  This kind of thinking is not helpful. 

The World Outside our Minds

Jordan was depressed.  Some days he had trouble getting out of bed.  During one of our sessions he was feeling particularly down, and I suggested we spend some time with the horses.  It was a beautiful day.  Sunny with a cool breeze, birds singing their spring songs, bunnies hopping by, and the horses available for interaction.  Jordan, however, did not see or hear any of this.  He only heard his thoughts, “I’m depressed.  Life sucks.  I’ll never feel better.”  I suggested he try practicing mindfulness, and put his attention on what was happening in his environment, rather than on his thinking.  After a few minutes, Jordan’s posture started to change and he stood up straighter.  I watched him become aware of his surroundings- the sunlight, the birds, the horses.  He was taking it all in.  Hermano (for more information on Hermano click here) approached Jordan.  He nuzzled his arm.  “What are you noticing from practicing mindfulness?” I asked.  “That there is a whole world going on outside my mind.”  He replied.

Applying Mindfulness

There are some simple ways to incorporate mindfulness into your life.  If you have a short period of time to set aside each day to observe your breathing and environment, this can be helpful. And/or, you can incorporate mindfulness practice into your everyday activities.  A few ways you can do this are:

* Set your watch alarm to remind you every few hours to stop what you are doing notice what is happening around you.
* Practice mindfulness when getting the mail.  Feel your feet on the ground as you walk, feel the motion of your legs, notice your breath and what is happening in your neighborhood.
* Pay attention to 3-5 breaths after each email you send.
* Each time you hang up the phone, take a moment to look around and notice your environment.  Feel your body, and notice sensations in your chest, shoulders and stomach.  Feel the contact of your body with the chair you are sitting in.

Each time we come back to the present moment, we interrupt our stream of thinking, and come back to our direct experience.  This practice helps us be present for our lives, instead of lost in thought, and helps insure that we will not miss the Joshua Bell experiences that present themselves to us.
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Rule #1: Be perfect.  Under no circumstances are you allowed to make a mistake. 
Rule #2: Always please others.  Even when you are stretched to the limit, say yes to that extra task, appointment, or commitment. 
Rule #3: Focus on your flaws.  After all, that is the only way self-improvement will happen, right? Don’t focus on your accomplishments- that is egotistical and selfish, and besides, you got lucky.
Rule #4: Ignore your own boundaries and needs.  Allow other people take advantage of you, feel angry about it, and see yourself as inferior to them.
Rule #5: Take everything personally.  Assume other people’s actions and words are due to your failure as a human being.  Obsess about what others think of you.

Do These Rules Seem Familiar?

Most of us have some version of 1 or more of these “rules” operating in our heads.  We created these rules at a young age to manage low self-esteem/not feeling good about ourselves.  For example, if a child is criticized a lot, that child might invent the “be perfect” rule to try and avoid being criticized and to avoid the feelings associated with being criticized.  “If I can only be perfect I won’t have to feel this way….”  Thus, the rule gains power and is the key to not having to feel inadequate, vulnerable, sad, angry, and/or whatever other feelings may arise when criticized.  Thus, the incredible pressure to “be perfect” is born.

The Effects of the Rules

Enforcing these kinds of rules on ourselves is a set up for continuing to have low-self esteem.  No one is perfect.  It is impossible to always please others.  Focusing entirely on your flaws and disregarding your strengths is not an accurate depiction of yourself.  Ignoring your own boundaries and needs can cause health problems, stress, anxiety, and depression.  Taking everything personally is a very narrow perspective through which to view the world.  People’s actions and words are due to a variety of factors including their life experiences, what kind of a mood they woke up in, and what is happening in their personal relationships, to name a few.

Breaking the Rules

Rules are made to be broken, right?  When you are struggling with low-self esteem, ask yourself, “Is there an unreasonable rule that I am enforcing on myself right now?”  See if you can poke holes in the logic of the rule.  For example, if you are following the rule to always please others, you could question that rule by reminding yourself, “It is impossible to always please others.”

If I Don’t Follow The Rules I Will Be a Bad Person

Most of us have instated self harming rules as a way to keep ourselves in line, or be “good.”  However, rules like the examples given above create self-aggression. If we want to be “good” i.e. available, compassionate, understanding, patient, honest, caring  etc. with others, we first need to be able to do so with ourselves.  Setting up strict, unrealistic, impossible, and self-aggressive rules is counter-productive.

It’s You Don’t Have to Be Perfect Day

June (not her real name) was struggling with low-self esteem and would constantly scrutinize her every decision and action at work.  She was convinced that others were focusing on her mistakes and incompetence.  We talked about her self-imposed rule- that she needed to be perfect to be competent, and how harsh and unfair that was.  “Isn’t it possible to be competent and mistakes?”  I asked.  June came up with a creative way to work with her perfectionism and negative beliefs about herself by creating:  “Today is You Don’t Have To Be Perfect Day!”  She decided to let herself have one day where she would be allowed to make mistakes, after all, it was “You Don’t Have to Be Perfect Day.”  By allowing herself a day off, June was able to notice that her mood and interactions with others improved.  Since she was no longer scrutinizing her every move at work, she worried less that others were doing so.  Having this break from following the rule offered her an insight into a different way of being that is possible.

Re-Write the Rules:

Rule #1: It is ok to make mistakes.  In the famous words of Miles Davis, “Do not fear mistakes, there are none.”
Rule #2: It is not my responsibility to please others.
Rule #3: Focusing on my strengths, accomplishments, and successes is more likely to yield a positive self image.
Rule #4: Honoring my own boundaries and needs are essential for my physical, emotional, and spiritual well being.
Rule #5: Don’t take anything personally – doing so is a very narrow perspective on any situation.

If there is another harsh rule that you hold yourself to, how about re-writing it now?
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