Turning 40?!?

I just turned 40, and wanted to do something to acknowledge and celebrate this milestone. I decided to go on a meditation retreat held at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur, CA. There isn’t a spot on the property from where you can’t see the ocean and hear its continuous roar, an ever-present reminder to “come back” to now.

There is a natural hot springs that runs through the property, and tubs have been set up overlooking the ocean cliffs.  By day, the stunning view of the ocean crashing against the rocks, and by night, the unobstructed sky makes the tubs a magical place to be.  A picture-perfect setting for me to celebrate turning 40.  Until…

Clothing Optional

As we settled in to Esalen, we realized that part of the culture is to use the tubs naked.  They say that clothing is optional, but to wear a bathing suit would have been more awkward than not wearing one- simply because no one was wearing one.

Anxiety

I allowed the anxiety that arose within me when I realized I was going to undress, walk naked to a tub, and sit with strangers that would also be naked.  I was bumping up against the edge of my comfort zone.  “Breathe,” I told myself, “Just feel it.”

The Naked Metaphor

As I struggled with the literal act of getting naked, I realized that this is what most of us want to avoid in our daily lives as well.  We don’t want to be seen without our “clothes.”  We hide our naked experience because we judge it.  So, we say yes when we mean no, insist it’s “no big deal,” while seething inside, say we’re fine when really we are hurt, pretend like we don’t have any feelings, and generally shut down our true experience for what we deem a more acceptable one.

The Price Tag

When we sell out our true experience to avoid our discomfort, we pay a steep price.  Our authenticity starts to get lost and we struggle to find ourselves.  It can sound like this:

~How do I feel?

~Why am I angry all the time?

~Do I want to be in this relationship?

~I hate this job but don’t know what else I’d do.

~I have no idea what I need.

~I don’t know how to take care of myself.

~Who am I?

You Want Me To Put What on My Calendar?

To come back to ourselves, we first have to start feeling again.  We are really good at not feeling, and finding ways to distract ourselves in the modern world is really easy.  We have to create time to feel the impact of our choices.   Sometimes I joke that people should put it on their calendars, as that seems to be the sacred decider of how time is spent these days.

What If All I Feel Is Anxiety?

You are not alone!  I hear this a lot, and I’ve come to believe that anxiety can be a kind of “buffer” emotion.  It stands between our authentic selves and the rest of the world.  The anxiety steps in and says, “Don’t worry, I’ll distract you!  I’ll keep you confused!  I’ll keep you amped up so you can’t relax and actually feel your experience.  I’ll keep you from your vulnerability. I’ll keep you from yourself, because deep down, you don’t like yourself.”

The Courage to Be Naked

In her book Daring Greatly, Brene Brown sums it up like this: “…As adults we realize that to live with courage, purpose, and connection- to be the person whom we long to be- we must again be vulnerable.  We must take off the armor, put down the weapons, show up, and let ourselves be seen.”  As I soaked in the hot spring waters, my anxiety quickly dissipated.  There I was- exposed, vulnerable, and completely relaxed.  This experience is what we all long for.

Healing Trauma

What is Trauma?

Trauma is any experience that overwhelms our normal coping mechanisms.  Some examples of trauma include: parental abuse, parental neglect, emotional abuse, bullying, domestic violence, addiction, war, rape, incest, personal injury, and loss.  This of course is not a complete list.  Because we all have different coping mechanisms, there is a subjective quality to trauma.

Trauma Can Be Multigenerational:

Multigenerational trauma, sometimes referred to as intergenerational trauma, is trauma experienced in one generation that is passed down to subsequent generations.  For example, a girl that is abused grows up and marries someone that abuses her and her children.  This happens when trauma is not healed.

 How Does Trauma Impact Confidence?

Trauma and shame are intimately connected.  There is no emotion more debilitating than shame.  Shame is caused by devaluation.  When someone experiences a trauma, they often feel devalued.  Kenneth Hardy, author of Teens Who Hurt, defines devaluation as, “The essentials of one’s humanity have been assaulted.”  It is hard to engage the world in a confident manner when we feel devalued.  How can we value ourselves when we have received the message that we are of no value?  This is the work of healing trauma and moving towards confidence.

Rage

“Rage is the hidden wound of trauma.” ~ Dr. Kenneth Hardy

All too often those that experience trauma are told that they need to “calm down,” and sometimes, as is often the case with children, they are silenced by fear. Rage is a natural reaction to trauma and to being silenced.  Rage is a natural reaction to having one’s humanity assaulted.

Can Trauma Be Healed? How Can I Feel Confident Again?

The healing process is going to differ for each individual.  However, over the years I have found the following things to be helpful in resolving trauma and helping people get back to confident living:

• Creating a nurturing, loving, non-judgmental space to talk about what happened.  When we talk about it, we diminish the shame around it.  Secrecy and shame go hand in hand.
• Involving others.  Because we all have relationships, involving other people in therapy can be very useful.    Relationships can be powerful tools for helping to heal trauma, or they can make it worse. Sometimes loved ones need help understanding the impact of trauma.
•   Finding an appropriate outlet for rage. When channeled, rage can be an incredibly strong motivator and can lead to advocacy and promote healing.  Distinguishing between rage and anger is helpful.  Dr. Hardy says, “Rage is about what happened to you.  Anger is about what’s in you.”
• EMDR.  EMDR stands for Eye-Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing and is a type of therapy that has been clinically proven to help trauma survivors.

Not Suffering In Silence:

If your life has been impacted by trauma, please know there is hope and help for you.  The first step of breaking the silence can be the most difficult one.  Talk to someone you trust about what happened to you, no matter when it happened. There is no timeline for healing.  You can lead a full, confident life again!

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