Turning 40?!?
I just turned 40, and wanted to do something to acknowledge and celebrate this milestone. I decided to go on a meditation retreat held at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur, CA. There isn’t a spot on the property from where you can’t see the ocean and hear its continuous roar, an ever-present reminder to “come back” to now.
There is a natural hot springs that runs through the property, and tubs have been set up overlooking the ocean cliffs. By day, the stunning view of the ocean crashing against the rocks, and by night, the unobstructed sky makes the tubs a magical place to be. A picture-perfect setting for me to celebrate turning 40. Until…
Clothing Optional
As we settled in to Esalen, we realized that part of the culture is to use the tubs naked. They say that clothing is optional, but to wear a bathing suit would have been more awkward than not wearing one- simply because no one was wearing one.
Anxiety
I allowed the anxiety that arose within me when I realized I was going to undress, walk naked to a tub, and sit with strangers that would also be naked. I was bumping up against the edge of my comfort zone. “Breathe,” I told myself, “Just feel it.”
The Naked Metaphor
As I struggled with the literal act of getting naked, I realized that this is what most of us want to avoid in our daily lives as well. We don’t want to be seen without our “clothes.” We hide our naked experience because we judge it. So, we say yes when we mean no, insist it’s “no big deal,” while seething inside, say we’re fine when really we are hurt, pretend like we don’t have any feelings, and generally shut down our true experience for what we deem a more acceptable one.
The Price Tag
When we sell out our true experience to avoid our discomfort, we pay a steep price. Our authenticity starts to get lost and we struggle to find ourselves. It can sound like this:
~How do I feel?
~Why am I angry all the time?
~Do I want to be in this relationship?
~I hate this job but don’t know what else I’d do.
~I have no idea what I need.
~I don’t know how to take care of myself.
~Who am I?
You Want Me To Put What on My Calendar?
To come back to ourselves, we first have to start feeling again. We are really good at not feeling, and finding ways to distract ourselves in the modern world is really easy. We have to create time to feel the impact of our choices. Sometimes I joke that people should put it on their calendars, as that seems to be the sacred decider of how time is spent these days.
What If All I Feel Is Anxiety?
You are not alone! I hear this a lot, and I’ve come to believe that anxiety can be a kind of “buffer” emotion. It stands between our authentic selves and the rest of the world. The anxiety steps in and says, “Don’t worry, I’ll distract you! I’ll keep you confused! I’ll keep you amped up so you can’t relax and actually feel your experience. I’ll keep you from your vulnerability. I’ll keep you from yourself, because deep down, you don’t like yourself.”
The Courage to Be Naked
In her book Daring Greatly, Brene Brown sums it up like this: “…As adults we realize that to live with courage, purpose, and connection- to be the person whom we long to be- we must again be vulnerable. We must take off the armor, put down the weapons, show up, and let ourselves be seen.” As I soaked in the hot spring waters, my anxiety quickly dissipated. There I was- exposed, vulnerable, and completely relaxed. This experience is what we all long for.