The articles below will give you an idea of my philosophy and the way I work as a therapist. Golden is a convenient drive from many locations in the Denver metro area.
Insomnia
Generally I am a sound sleeper. I found myself the other night, however, wide-awake, and I could not go back to sleep. I started to get frustrated- thinking of the day to come, how much I had to do, and how tired I was going to be if I didn’t fall back asleep. This of course, was not helpful. It was, however, an interesting time to observe my mind. Lying in bed at 4:00am there was nothing else to do. I was struck by how my mind’s tendency to jump to the future (the next day and how I would feel) was creating stress and anxiety in my body, which in turn was keeping me awake. Read more »
Forgiveness
Jane’s Story:
I was recently talking to a client of mine, Jane, (not her real name) who had gone to visit her father. They had been estranged on and off over the past 25 years, beginning when he had moved out and stopped talking to her when she was 13. “I thought I had forgiven him,” she said. “I thought I had moved on from all the anger, grief, and feelings of abandonment.” In reality, however, the visit had brought up all of those old feelings with a vengeance, resulting in a huge fight with her partner, and she and her father, once again, parting ways not speaking. Read more »
Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
A Class Divided
In 1968, Jane Elliot, a 3rd grade teacher in Iowa, conducted an experiment in her classroom to teach her students about racism. She divided the class into 2 groups- those with blue eyes and those with brown eyes. On the first day of the experiment, the blue-eyed children were told they were better than the brown-eyed children. They got special privileges such as extra time at recess and permission to use the drinking fountain. In addition, they were praised all day long and told how smart they were. The brown eyed children were told they were less intelligent than the blue eyed children and had to wear collars identifying themselves as a “brown-eyed.” Whenever the children had difficulties, it was pointed out that the cause was that they had brown eyes. The next day the roles were reversed, and the brown-eyed children were told they were superior to the blue-eyed children. Read more »
Complex Inferiority
The Wisdom of Eleanor
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
I recently was talking to a client about a situation she is dealing with at work. She described it like this: “My boss is so condescending and talks down to me. She treats me like I’m stupid and I get so angry! Then I get really afraid that I’m going to make a mistake or do something wrong, and it will just confirm her beliefs about me. If I let the fear pick up momentum, I then worry that I’ll get fired, I won’t have enough money to pay my bills, and that my partner will then want to leave me.”
Does some version of this sound familiar? We all have experienced relationships where we feel less than or inferior to the other person in some way or another. The other person is more attractive, has more money, is a better parent, has a better job, a better partner, etc… When we feel badly about ourselves, our anxiety can take over, and we end up feeling panicked, overwhelmed, and fearful that any mistake we make will cause irreparable damage to our life situation. This is not a healthy mindset. Read more »
But, I’m Right!
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” ~ Rumi
“Being right is highly overrated. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.” ~ Author Unknown
Recently I had a disagreement with a friend of mine who hadn’t responded to my email about getting together. My feelings were hurt, and I decided to talk to her about it. I felt the facts were clear- I had the email correspondence, including the last email that she had not replied to, still in my in box- a paper trail of proof that I was “right.” So, when the conversation started to take a defensive turn and she suggested that I had not replied to a text of hers about the plans, I realized I was at a choice point. What did I really want out of the interaction? Did I want to be defensive and “right,” or did I want to clearly convey to her that my feelings were hurt, that I know I am responsible for my feelings, and that I would appreciate it if she would be sensitive to my need to be responded to when I suggest plans in the future? Read more »
Body Confidence
A few days ago, Ralph Lauren released an advertisement with model Fillipa Hamiltion that had been digitally altered, resulting in a freakishly thin Fillipa. Ralph Lauren did publicly apologize and take responsibility for the ad, however, it doesn’t change the fact that the company thought that the photo of an emaciated woman would be considered attractive.
Dove recently started a “campaign for real beauty” and created a short video called “Evolution” which shows how professional makeup, hair, and a computer alter a woman’s face to prepare her for a billboard ad. You can watch that video here.
Communication Gridlock
Communication Gridlock
Here is an excerpt of a typical argument between Ted and Jennie: (Names have been changed).
“We have some version of the same argument over and over,” Ted said. “She nags me and then says I don’t listen. What she doesn’t seem to get is her nagging makes me not want to listen!” Jennie responded, “I only nag because you don’t listen! You are worse than the kids. You constantly forget important dates and I can’t rely on you to do what you say you’re going to do.” Read more »
Inviting the Demons
Milarepa was a Tibetan saint. The story goes that he was peacefully meditating in his cave when the demons of greed, fear, and anger appeared. They were terrifying. The flesh hung from their bones, and they smelled foul. They held bloody knives and swords. Milarepa looked up and said, “Ah, I’ve been expecting you. Come sit by my fire, have tea.” They said, “Aren’t you afraid of us?” He said, “No. Your hideous appearance only reminds me to be aware and have mercy. Come sit by my fire and have tea.” Read more »
The Joshua Bell Experience
A remarkable story was published in the Washington Post that was written by Gene Weingarten entitled, “Pearls Before Breakfast.” The gist of the article is this: One of the finest classical musicians in the world, Joshua Bell, plays his violin (which by the way is worth 3.5 million dollars) in the DC subway to commuters on their way to work, and hardly anyone notices. He plays some of the most difficult and beautiful pieces that can be played by a solo violinist, and earns about $32 in tips. Two days before his performance in the subway, Joshua Bell had sold out Symphony Hall in Boston where the average seat price was $100. If you’d like to read the whole article and see some video footage of the experiment, you can do so by clicking here. Read more »
Do You Create Rules to Maintain Low Self-Esteem?
Rules to Maintain Low-Self Esteem
Rule #1: Be perfect. Under no circumstances are you allowed to make a mistake.
Rule #2: Always please others. Even when you are stretched to the limit, say yes to that extra task, appointment, or commitment.
Rule #3: Focus on your flaws. After all, that is the only way self-improvement will happen, right? Don’t focus on your accomplishments- that is egotistical and selfish, and besides, you got lucky.
Rule #4: Ignore your own boundaries and needs. Allow other people take advantage of you, feel angry about it, and see yourself as inferior to them.
Rule #5: Take everything personally. Assume other people’s actions and words are due to your failure as a human being. Obsess about what others think of you.
